


My Fair Madara

by greenkangaroo



Series: My Fair Madara, or, Chouji The Genius Wrangler [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Canon Typical Violence, Gen, M/M, Soulmate AU, War, founding OCs, generational clan politics, so you're from a clan with reckless defense issues, what to do when your soulmate is also trying to destroy the world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-07 04:37:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 19,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10352394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenkangaroo/pseuds/greenkangaroo
Summary: When Chouji's soulmark disappeared in his youth, he didn't worry much about it- he had other things on his mind.Then a war happened and roundabout the same time, Chouji's soulmark came back.And he realized he needed to worry. A lot.





	1. just remember, it could always be worse

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know what prompted this fic series but what the hell I'm having fun.

When Chouji’s soul mark disappeared roundabout the time he turned six he didn’t miss it much. Of course it was a different story as he grew, but Shikamaru pointed out, reasonably, that who wanted to deal with the mess that soulmarks brought? 

Of course Shikamaru was right but. 

But. 

Chouji held out hope. There were plenty of happy people in the world without soulmarks for one reason or another. Inoichi and his wife didn’t even share soulmarks. They jokingly called one another ‘my second best choice’ and then kissed long enough that Ino screeched at them. 

It was just one insecurity of many and Chouji learned to set those aside. His mind was already occupied with the normal woes- too fat, too slow, untalented- so really losing his soulmark before he hit puberty was just one more thing to add to the ever-growing pile of detrius he kept behind a tightly locked door in his mind, so far in Ino wouldn’t be able to find it with a map and a flashlight. 

Life went on and childish worries gave way to very adult fears and in armor he knew his father had hoped he’d never wear Chouji breathed in the scent of explosive powder and fought for his goddamn life. 

Chouji didn’t even notice it had come back, at first. 

There was an itching on his palm and it was annoying but he ignored it, barked orders and followed them, dragged dying ninja bodily across mine-laced fields and checked to be sure Shikamaru still had all his limbs. 

The itching became stronger and Chouji wondered briefly if he’d missed some wound, if an infection was brewing. Then there was a need for someone just crazy enough to charge an incoming enemy line and that was practically Akimichi tradition so he did his job and he forgot. 

Then the itch turned into a burn, a real burn and in a quiet moment by himself Chouji tore off his gauntlet and unwrapped his hand with curses behind his teeth he’d learned from his mother when Hiashi Hyuuga had insulted her udon to her face. 

And there it was. 

He blinked at it once, twice. 

It didn’t go away. 

It was exactly as he remembered it and for some reason that calmed him. 

He was still staring at it when Shikamaru found him and said, “Madara Uchiha’s been spotted and he’s fucking breathing.” 

Chouji looked from his palm to Shikamaru, back to his palm. 

To the pinwheel tomoe seal nestled there, red and black as starkly as if it had been tattooed. 

An eye that was sort of like Sasuke’s, but not…quite..

“You’ve got to be _fucking kidding me,_ ” Chouji said, and pulled his gauntlet back on.


	2. hey I just met you/and this is crazy/but I'm out to kill you/so just die maybe?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changing the ninja world is easier when your enemies fall in line. Madara remembers Ino-Shika-Cho. He recalls they are very bad at falling in line.

In his prime, Madara Uchiha had never had a soulmark. 

Izuna had, but it faded- many faded, during the wars. Of course so little was known about them then. Once the village was built, once there was time, research began in earnest and it turned out that soulmarks were as fickle as a breeze. There were some that remained all one’s life, some that changed, some that disappeared and not because your destined one or ones had died but rather that your path had shifted, and they weren't your destined anymore. 

There were soulmarks for brothers, soulmarks for friends. There were whole clans that never got soulmarks at all and others that seemed to pick them up in battle. Were clan kamon based on soulmarks? It was a popular theory. 

Madara knew all of this peripherally. It hadn’t mattered. He didn’t have one, and so it was easy to disregard. If anything tied Madara to destiny it was the fan he displayed on his back, and that was enough for him. 

By the time something like a soulmark showed up it was too late. Madara was old and he was older and he was gone. 

That was then. This was now. 

When the burning began on Madara’s palm the night he returned to life he didn’t hesitate to check because any little thing disrupting his plans was Not Allowed. 

What he saw there, with young eyes, was just as surprising as it had been when he was old. 

It was a perfect swirl, vermillion red in color and bright, tightly lined as if it had been tattooed. Madara was tempted to believe it an Uzumaki spiral, but it wasn’t contained- didn’t begin and end in a circle. Instead the final tail of the swirl hung in empty space. It wasn’t a whirlpool, so what was it? 

There were too many things to do. Army to lead, village to crush, mass genjutsu to put into place. Madara put his gloves back on and did his best to forget. 

That worked for roughly a month. 

Turned out Konoha wasn’t planning on going gentle into that good night, and neither were any of the other ninvillages. They’d formed an _alliance,_ how quaint. 

All the better to crush the whole ant colony than go running around looking for the mounds, Madara supposed. 

His raised ninja and zetsu were working on a pincher maneuver. It was time to cut the main bulk of the Alliance’s fighting forces off from their supply lines. Whoever was running the show on the other side was good, Madara acknowledged that; for every move he made, they countered.

He had his answer when a full frontal assault was pushed back by a massive rolling boulder on a shadow yoyo string. 

Ah, of course. 

_Ino-Shika-Cho._

Still the best trick hand in Hanafuda, so it seemed. Which meant there was a Nara somewhere pulling all the strings. The one on the battlefield? Possibly. 

Madara decided it would be best to take care of this himself. He’d watched Shikana, Chouga, and Inoko tear through armies bigger and better-trained than his zetsu. He didn't have the time to throw overwhelming numbers at the problem. Direct action would yield the best results. 

He made for the Nara first. Regular as clockwork the Akimichi was there to meet him, kunai-for-kunai. 

An Akimichi whose blood-seals- the key to the Clan jutsus- were large, open-ended vermillion swirls. 

_Butterfly tongues,_ Madara realized, and in the Land Beyond he could almost hear Chouga Akimichi’s laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IDFK how the Madara and Obito plays out in this fic yet but I've axed Kaguya. I always hated that conclusion. As for timelines (Chouji being born sixish years before Madara dies) eeeehhhh I'm waving a magic wand because Kishimoto's timeline makes no goddamn sense.


	3. so your soulmate's an evil mastermind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> being a ninja means doing a lot of things you don't necessarily like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter takes place immediately after the second, in the same battle.

When Chouji realized that his soulmark could only indicate one person, he’d done what any good ninja would do.

He’d found the nearest sensor (not Ino; not even in the midst of a war was Chouji willing to deal with the fallout of his second best friend knowing that he all but had 'UCHIHA!' branded on him) and demanded in a very polite 'heir to a pillar Clan' way to be hooked up to HQ.

The ninja in question- one of the toothy ones from Mist- obliged, and Chouji found himself mind-to-mind with Inoichi and the only person Chouji thought might, maybe, be smarter than Shikamaru Nara.

-Shikaku we have a problem.-

-What kind of problem?- Shikaku asked. As tranquil as he sounded they could have been sitting by the koi pond in Shikamaru’s back yard. Chouji knew that the calm was an illusion but he appreciated the effort all the same.

Instead of saying it out loud, Chouji merely projected the moment he’d removed his glove, knowing that Inoichi was perfectly capable of fitting the pieces together.

-Oh shit.- Inoichi said.

-My sentiments exactly.- Chouji responded. -If I stab it does he die? Because I will do that. I will do it right now.-

-Unfortunately no.- Shikaku said. -Have you told Shikamaru?-

-Not yet.-

-Let me think, Chouji. We’ll get back to you as soon as we can.-

Chouji disconnected, thanked the sensor for their help, and quietly panicked.

He panicked as he helped with the mess hall, he panicked as he performed his chore rotation, he panicked as further duties were passed out and they dug in for the night.

The next morning Shikamaru and Darui came looking for him, and Chouji said, “I’m not gonna like this, am I?”

The plan was shared. He didn’t like it.

—

Up close, Madara Uchiha was attractive enough. Chouji wasn’t certain how to judge attractiveness; the rules seemed to change whenever he thought he had a handle on them. But if one used Sasuke as a sounding board then Madara was definitely aesthetically pleasing.

Not at all what Chouji would have picked for himself. Chouji wasn’t sure he’d have picked anyone.

Especially not a murderous founding ninja trying to gut his best friend.

“Ino-Shika-Cho.” Madara murmured and okay, yeah, the voice cranked the attractiveness up. “You never change.”

“I beg to differ,” Chouji said, and went in for a punch. Predictably he was grabbed; not so predictably he wasn’t immediately thrown. Madara seemed focused on something. His cheeks? No, the swirls on them.

 _Well,_ Chouji thought ruefully as he increased his weight to pull the other ninja down, _At least it’s not my favorite chip logo._

Now _that_ would be embarrassing.

Madara realized what Chouji was doing and let go, but he let go a second too slow. Kagemane had already snared him.

The plan had been put in motion and it had to conclude and fast. Chouji straightened back up and did as Akimichi of old; he grabbed his soul mate in a full nelson and hung on for all he was worth.

“CHOUJI!” bellowed Darui from the genjutsu Ino had used to hide him, already taking the top off the kohaku no jouhei.

“That’s me!” Chouji cheerfully replied around Madara's head. 

The jar’s jutsu activated. Chouji saw peripherally the thoughts flashing across Madara’s whirling red eyes- realization, anger, a quick series of tactical calculations that would no doubt throw this whole thing to hell with just a little more time.

Chouji wasn’t willing to give it. He wrapped his chakra around Madara’s, a blanket over a forest fire, and did his best to snuff it out.

Chouji felt the pull of the jar and the strain of Madara’s chakra pulling him near-literally in two different directions. Everything from the top of his head to the tips of his toes began to feel like it was burning and freezing all at once. Madara was struggling and the jar was calling and somewhere Shikamaru was yelling but Chouji couldn’t hear him.

Then everything was quiet and dark.

Almost peaceful.

Or it would have been, had Chouji not heard that unfortunately sexy voice somewhere in the vicinity of his ear say, “I take that back. You’re nothing like your ancestors.”

“Thanks, I think.” Chouji said, and opened his eyes to a new world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> could the kohaku no jouhei hold Madara? Eh, why not? A large part of the appeal of ninja (a part which seemed to be forgotten by both creator and fandom) is that a weaker foe can defeat a stronger one with the right combination of tactics, stealth, tools, and sheer dumb luck. Also it's fanfic. Idgaf that Madara can summon meteors. That was some shit anyway.


	4. you never get a second chance to make a first impression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chouji, Madara, the inside of a magic ninja jar, and a chatty ghost. In that order.

The world inside the kohaku no jouhei was an eerie, sepia toned dream. 

It was Konoha but not Chouji's Konoha, or Madara's. Instead it seemed a mixture of the two, a fusion trying to appease both men and only partially succeeding. 

They were the only two people there. Streets that normally bustled with civilian and ninja alike were still. They stood as they had been absorbed, Chouji hanging onto the strongest Uchiha ninja in history like he was in an academy taijutsu class, in a completely empty public square before the silent administrative buildings. 

Chouji let Madara go. The other ninja absently brushed his shoulder like he'd felt a spider and said with a nod towards the strangely warped Hokage monument, "I don't remember the rock looking like that."

"It doesn't." Chouji replied, carefully backing away. Darui had all but admitted that no one really knew what the inside of the jouhei looked like to those sealed- only Gyuki had been captured and come back out, and it wasn't like anyone in Kumo made a habit of interviewing the Eight Tails. 

"You're fleeing already?" Madara asked without turning. "We just got here." 

"Fleeing seems like the wise thing to do." Chouji said, not ceasing in his steady backward steps. Even when Madara turned to look at him he continued walking backwards. 

"You used the jouhei's sealing properties not only on yourself but whatever you were holding. Clever. You didn't come up with it." 

"I'd call you a liar but my mother raised an honest man." Chouji replied. It hadn't been his idea at all. It had been Shikaku's, based on what little anyone could glean of how the hell the kohaku no jouhei worked. 

To say Shikamaru had been unhappy with the plan would be falling severely short of reality. 

"I won't be in here forever." Madara said and began advancing. "All it takes is someone else coming into possession of the tool and releasing me." 

"You think your army's that loyal?" Chouji asked, wondering where exactly he was backing up to. 

"I built them to be. And if not one of them, my Second-in-Command will." 

"Well good luck with that." Chouji said. "Really, genuine pleasure knowing I share some kind of something with a homicidal Uchiha bent to destroy everything I love and want to protect. Nice talk. If you need me I'll be somewhere that isn't here." 

"You're trapped in here, too." Madara said. "No one out there knows how to remove you without removing me." 

"That did occur to me." Chouji said, and hit a wall. 

_Damn it._

Madara continued coming forward. "And you're alright with that?" He made a broad gesture. "Giving up everything to stay here?" 

"You say 'stay here' like you aren't planning on flaying me like a fish." Chouji said. 

"I could." Madara acknowledged. "You've thrown off a lot of things and I don't appreciate that." 

"I'd say I'm sorry but I'm really not." Chouji said. He began easing along the wall looking for a corner to slide around. 

"You're mouthy. That almost surprises me." Madara raised his hands. "I'll kill you quick. You remind me of an old friend." 

He made three seals- 

and nothing happened. 

Madara's eyebrows furrowed. 

Chouji didn't take the time to appreciate that apparently being inside the kohaku no jouhei made it impossible for a ninja to perform ninjutsu. He channeled his twelve year old self and ran like his ass was on fire. 

Madara likely would have pursued had he not realized as Chouji had that ninjutsu was suddenly lost to him. 

The Uchiha Founder swiftly ran through a series of jutsus. No matter what he tried, none of them would culminate. 

That. 

Put a wrench in a few things. 

"More than a wrench. That's a whole _tree trunk,_ Whirligig." 

Madara turned on his heel, kunai already in his hand. 

"Oh no, a kunai." The speaker said, voice dripping with sarcasm. "Whatever shall I do?" 

Madara maintained his guard stance and narrowed his eyes. The new arrival was sitting on a bench, long thick legs crossed at the ankles. He grinned cheerfully at Madara, showing off too-large eyeteeth and distorting the blue seals on his cheeks, artful swirls that formed clouds. 

"You're dead." Madara said to Chouga Akimichi. 

"Funny, so are you." Chouga replied. "Or you were. Until a little while ago." 

"You're an illusion." Madara said. "Like everything else in this place." 

"Illusions have to be powered by the person seeing them." Chouga pointed out. "So what does that say about you, Whirligig?" 

"Don't call me that." Madara said. 

"Why not? Because you hate it? That's what makes it so great. You know what's not so great? You fucking up this bad." 

"It is a minor setback. I will be released and-" 

"Not the destruction of all you used to hold dear, Madara." Chouga said sharply. "I mean that bit where you scared off my great great great-" he paused to count on his fingers and then gave up. "great grandson." 

"He is an obstacle I will have to deal with." Madara acknowledged. 

"That obstacle's written all over your hand, you idiot." Chouga said. 

Madara shrugged. "Ill timed and ill conceived." 

Chouga threw his hands in the air. "How is it possible that you died and came back to life and are still this dumb?" He asked the Uchiha. 

"The idea of fate is as old and stale as this pathetic world ninja have created." Madara said. 

"So it wasn't fate that got you stuck in the jar with a lowly Akimichi?" Chouga asked curiously. "You're just that easy to fool?" 

Madara finally lowered his guard enough to give Chouga a long glare. "I made an error in judgement." 

"Whirligig I hate to have to tell you this," Chouga said, "but you ARE an error in judgement. That's okay, I'm here to help. First things first, though. I'm hungry." 

Madara rubbed his temples. "You are an illusion of a man who has been dead for over forty years. You can't be hungry." 

Chouga sadly shook his head. "Shows what you know about the Akimichi. And after all we did for you, too. After all I did for you." He gave Madara a pointed look. 

Madara had the decency to look at least a little chagrined. 

"Besides," Chouga said, "you're not gonna find him without my help." 

"You won't help me find him," Madara said, "as you know I intend to kill him." 

"Do you, though?" Chouga said. "Follow me, Whirligig. The restaurant scene's been hopping since we kicked it." 

He stood from the bench and headed off down a side street. Madara watched him go and carefully considered his other options. 

It wasn't as though the living Akimichi could escape. No doubt this jar had confines but it was a tool of the Sage of Six Paths. It was possible the entire outer world was replicated inside. Without ninjutsu, finding his opponent (victim seemed too trite) would prove difficult. 

Difficult. Not impossible. 

And there was the small matter of not-so-small Chouga. 

Mind made up, Madara followed after the dead Akimichi, leaving the square and the tormented Hokage Monument behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chouga Akimichi is my go-to OC for the Founding of Konoha- he features in several universes and in several forms along with his compatriots Shikana Nara and Inoko Yamanaka. You'll find them mentioned in a lot of of my worldbuilding but aside from names and clan affiliation, backstories change depending on the 'verse. 
> 
> Various Akimichi calling members of the Uchiha clan 'whirligig' is my favorite thing.


	5. lifestyles of the outmanned and outgunned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chouji hides.

Chouji's feet wanted to set him on the course to home, to the Akimichi compound and the familiar comforts inside of it. The part of him that had spent a long time with clever Shikamaru and devious Ino had him turning from the fork that would lead home and heading instead for the Nara forest. 

If this strange otherworldly Konoha had to share one thing in common with the village of the real world, Chouji prayed it was the deer. 

Not that the animals could stop a determined Madara, even a Madara without access to his ninjutsu. 

Still it would give Chouji time to hide. There was no way the Uchiha Founder knew all the bolt holes the Nara built into their land. 

And after he hid- what? 

Plan. 

To do what? 

Kill Madara friggin' Uchiha? 

Without Ino? Without Shikamaru? Without access to his own ninjutsu? 

Sure, what the hell. While he was at it he'd convince Orochimaru his original defection was a terrible idea and maybe master Gentle Fist.

Chouji covered his tracks, laid out false trails and felt tension rising in his throat as minutes ticked by without the enemy appearing. 

It is possible, Chouji conceded to himself once he settled into his chosen hiding place, that Madara had simply decided killing him was too much like work. 

It would almost be insulting, if Chouji wasn't mostly a realist when it came to his capabilities compared to those of the people around him. Why couldn't NARUTO have wound up with Madara's magic murder eye embedded on his hand? Naruto went through things like this all the time. Naruto survived things like this all the time! 

No use fretting now. Chouji had done what he could and the enemy's commander was out of play. He could only hope that Madara remained that way until the zetsu and the risen ninja could be fully contained. 

Chouji took a moment to breathe and watch the strange brownish sunlight filter through the brown green leaves. He listened for animals but heard none, definitely no deer and not even a squirrel. This jouhei-Konoha, it seemed, was all form and no substance. 

Now what, moron? Chouji thought to himself. 

Chouji adjusted his grip on the kunai he was holding- in absence of a bag of chips, weaponry would have to do- when he saw that the wrappings under his gauntlet had slipped. 

Might as well fix it. It was a day for stupid choices. 

Chouji set the kunai aside and began working the gauntlet off. He habitually checked it over for damage and then laid it aside. He unwound the bandaging and was still startled by what it hid. 

He stared at the mark on his palm. An upgraded Sharingan, Shikaku had explained. More powerful jutsus could be accessed by any Uchiha who woke it but the trade off was that it was dangerous to use. 

It was pretty, in a deadly way. 

Sort of like Madara. 

"Why me?" Chouji asked out loud before remembering that drawing his homicidal soulmate's attention to his hiding place after putting all that effort into fooling him was a bad idea. 

He scratched lightly around the edge of the Sharingan with a fingernail. Stupid eye was cursed. You didn't have to be a genius or even remotely smart to know that. Look at what happened to the clan! To Sasuke, to Itachi! Arguably to Madara, depending on what text you were reading...

Chouji patted the shoku symbol on his chest absently. Thank goodness he was an Akimichi. The biggest drama they'd ever had was the fire that took a portion of the clan library when he was a child. They'd lost recipes dating back past the Founding. Of course it was an archivist's nightmare but no one had died. 

Why would a man so smart- and by all accounts, honorable- want so badly to destroy what he'd built? 

Chouji tried to imagine anyone he knew doing what Madara had done. He had trouble visualizing it. Even Sasuke had come back to them in their darkest hour, dragging Orochimaru kicking and screaming. 

Chouji wrapped up his soul mark and put his gauntlet back on. If he ever got out of here (and he didn't exactly hold out hope that was going to be the case) he'd have to tell Shikamaru he was right. 

The damn things were troublesome.


	6. empty chairs at empty tables

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chouga asks questions Madara isn't necessarily sure he can answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is talk and description of evisceration and general bloody nonsense, please be aware.

“I can’t believe this place is still here.” Chouga said, staring around Ichiraku’s. “Like, holy shit. Didn’t I flatten it once?”

“Twice.” Madara said.

“Ah the days of ‘just walk that way until you think there’s enough room Chou’.” Chouga said. “God Hashirama was a moron. A lovable moron but a moron.”

“There’s no one here.” Madara pointed out. They sat down.

“That’s because you have no imagination.” Chouga said. “Which doesn’t surprise me. Oi, Teuki!”

At the man’s bellow a head emerged from the back of the small restaurant.

“Good lord Chouga is that you again?” The newcomer asked.

“Hey shut up I’m dead and I’m hungry.” Chouga said to the man who emerged. “Anything for you?” He asked Madara.

The Uchiha shook his head.

“Right, well. Just give me whatever you got. All of it.”

Teuki- dead as long as Chouga- laughed and did as he was told. As the man got to cooking Madara said, “I note you picked an old restaurant despite touting the growth since we both died.”

“Madara I did formal dinners with you. They’re terrible.” Chouga expertly snapped his chopsticks. “So. Why?”

“Why what?” Madara asked.

“Why the Eye of the Moon plan?” Chouga asked. Teuki put a big bowl of pork ramen in front of him and he thanked the cook before continuing, “You could have just taken over the Hokage like you did the Mizukage, no reason for the Hyuga to suspect anything. For that matter you could have had your buddy Obito harness more than one tailed beast to wreck Konoha years ago. You didn’t. Why?”

Madara laced his fingers together. “It wasn’t time.”

“Bullshit.”

Madara glanced sharply up. Chouga finished slurping a noodle and said, “Again, I say bullshit.”

“I find it funny you say that,” Madara replied shortly, “considering you wouldn’t know what a strategy was if it walked up to you naked and smothered in barbecue sauce.”

“Nah I just let you think that cause’ it was funny.” Chouga waved his chopsticks. “Besides, Shikana could think faster. Doesn’t take much thinking to punch something into the ground. We’re not talking about me, we’re talking about you, and for the third time, bullshit.”

Madara was about to say something when he stiffened.

A white haired man walked into Ichiraku’s, pushing the banner to one side and ducking slightly. The top of the cloth still managed to catch on his happuri.

“There you are, Tobirama-san!” Teuki said. “I’ve got your order ready.”

“Thank you, Teuki.” Tobirama said. He didn’t speak to or acknowledge the two men sitting down. He waited for his order to be handed over, paid, and left.

There was a long moment of silence before Chouga said, “He fucked up good, didn’t he?” He leaned back and eyed Madara.

“There is no hope for this world.” Madara said. “and I am not sitting here and listening to you stuff your face and philosophize over Tobirama’s failures.”

“You and Tobirama were a lot alike. No sense of humor.” Chouga drank some broth and said, “I know what’s wrong.”

“And what, pray tell, is that?” Madara asked.

“You’re too much of a perfectionist. You don’t do things halfway and it killed you and it’s gonna kill you again.”

Chouga put some money on the counter. “Thanks, Teuki. I miss you.”

“I miss your money, Akimichi.”

“I just bet you do.” Chouga said, and gestured for Madara to follow him. The two ninja walked down the quiet street.

“There is nothing wrong with striving for perfection.” Madara said.

“There’s a lot wrong when you’re trying to make the whole world perfect.” Chouga said. “Why did you agree to build Konoha?”

Hashirama walked by, Tsunade on his shoulders. They were both laughing. Madara paused to watch them.

“I was tired of death.” He said.

“And this war you started doesn’t end in death?” Chouga asked.

“It’s not the same. If they would just accept the Eye of the Moon there wouldn’t be a problem. Everyone gets what they want. An eternal, peaceful dream.”

“There’s no such thing as eternal peace, Madara.” Chouga said. “genjutsus aren’t real.”

“They can be. I am living proof.”

“I’m still a little wobbly on that whole 'living’ part-hey the Aburame finished their apiary!” Chouga said, and wandered off into a nearby field. Madara rolled his eyes and followed.

“Look at all these bees.” Chouga said. “You remember Shindai trying to get those swarms in the gate? Poor Shikana. She got stung once and blew up like a balloon.” He crouched to examine a hive. 

“Genjutsus CAN be real.” Madara said.

Chouga glanced at him. “Real like this place is real?” He asked. “Real like I’m real?”

He turned and Madara could see the wound that had killed him, a poisoned stone sword straight across the belly, partially severing the spinal cord. For his victory the ninja who had struck the blow was torn into two pieces. Madara had burned the man's corpse to ash himself. 

“I note your guts are staying in.” Madara said evenly. “They didn’t then.”

Chouga shrugged. "Perks of already being dead." He said. The wound vanished. 

“I didn’t want you to die for me, Chouga.” Madara said.

“But I did.” Chouga said. “Come on I wanna see home.”

Madara silently followed in Chouga’s footsteps. Others passed by on the street. Here was Shindai Aburame, lecturing his son on the properties of the lunar moth. There was Mito Uzumaki-Senju, buying fruit and arguing with a woman Madara recognized as his third cousin.

Hiroko and Haruko strode by the two men, walking in tandem as they always had, black braids swinging like clock pendulums.

Madara took his gaze from the ghosts in the street and focused instead on Chouga’s back.

“Ah there it is.” Chouga said with satisfaction when they rounded the proper corner. “There’s my pride and joy.”

“Bigger gate.” Madara acknowledged as they came up on the Akimichi Compound. “Is he in there?”

“Are you kidding? He’s not _stupid._ ” Chouga said. He pulled the doors open and walked into the wide courtyard. “Madara?”

“What?” Madara asked as he examined the koi pond.

“I didn’t mind dying to protect you.”

“But you shouldn’t have.” Madara said. “The point of peace is that no one has to die.”

Chouga gave Madara a sad look. “Everyone dies, Whirligig.” He said. “Even in peacetime.”

Chouga sat down on the broad porch with a satisfied sigh before continuing, "You can’t control everyone and you know it. Someone will break your Eye of the Moon. Maybe not immediately after you cast it, maybe not for a hundred years, but it won’t last.“

"Yes it will. It has to.”

“Why?” Chouga asked.

“Because it’s the only way anything will change!” Madara snapped.

“Is the idea of a future built by more than one person that frightening to you, Madara?” Chouga asked.

“Other people make mistakes! They banish my clan to the outskirts of the village, they sell tailed beasts in friendship, they believe blindly in the good in all men and never see the evil creeping up from behind! Free will leads to death!”

“So does complete control.” Chouga responded.

“No. Not this time. If I take it all- if I am all there is- then the mistakes will be mine and mine alone and I don’t make mistakes.”

“You don’t make mistakes where anyone can see, Madara.” Chouga said.

The sepia world spun around them and they were in the main house of the Uchiha complex and it was quiet and dark.

“Is your control so important to you it would make you abandon what you couldn’t let go before?” Chouga asked, carefully walking backwards towards the nearest entryway.

“Don’t you dare.” Madara said, voice hitching.

“Is your control so important,” Chouga said, reaching for the sliding screen, “that you would give up on what made you the proudest man I knew?”

“Chouga DON’T YOU DARE-”

Chouga pulled the screen open.

The child sitting on the blood-soaked floor was barely old enough for Academy. The lifeless bodies of his parents were cooling on either side of him.

He blinked red, tear-filled eyes and there was hate in them, deep and never ending.

“You aren’t the man I died for.” Chouga said as the boy’s sniffles became helpless sobs. “The Madara I died for knew trust and he knew love.”

“I have purged those things!” Madara insisted. “They were weaknesses.”

“They were what made you who you are.” Chouga said. The boy, the bodies, the courtyard all fell away and they were in the cemetery, standing between row after row of cold memorials.

“They were what made Hashirama chose you to approach. They were what made us follow you, what made me follow you. I’d have followed you to the end of the goddamn earth, Madara.” Chouga said. 

“I never asked you to.” Madara said.

“You never had to because that’s what free will is! t’s everyone making a choice for the better! And no, lasting peace isn’t possible but you can have a peace that lasts a little while, and then one that lasts a little longer, and eventually there will come a time when the wars are so far spread out it will seem everlasting and that is the way, Madara, not some kind of ridiculous fairy tale you told yourself because you couldn’t stand that you were starting to love the village more than your clan!”

The anger came white hot with all the power an Uchiha could muster.

When Madara woke from it he was holding the stone sword slick with blood and Chouga was looking down at the waterfall of his blood and organs, more disappointed than anything else.

Madara let go and the sword fell with to the graveyard dirt with a lackluster thud. 

“I didn’t-” The Uchiha started.

“Yes you did.” Chouga said. “Don’t lie. It’s unbecoming on a Clan Head.” He reached out, patted Madara’s still shoulder. “Look.”

He pointed and Madara followed the line to see a long stream of people, all walking into the graveyard with lanterns lit on long poles. Hiroko and Haruko, holding hands. Shindai, missing an arm. Shikana and Inoko with an Akimichi sized space between them, as they had walked for months after Chouga was killed. 

Hashirama, head held high. Tobirama, head bowed low.

One by one they found their graves and one by one they got into them, leaving the lanterns to flicker beside the holes. The last was Tobirama and as he laid himself down he caught Madara’s gaze with his own for a moment. 

Then he was gone and they were all gone, nothing but dirt and stones. 

“This isn’t real.” Madara said.

“They died for peace, Madara.” Chouga said. “I died for peace. Your peace.”

Madara looked at Chouga- and realized he had to look down, because he was in front of a funeral pyre and Chouga was on it and he was dressed in white with his clan seal wrapped in his hands.

“So here’s the question, Whirligig.” Chouga said as fire began to lick at the wood piled up underneath him. “Do you believe in peace enough to stop fighting your war?”

Chouga’s funeral clothes caught.

“I don’t know.” Madara whispered.

Chouga smiled as flame began to eat his flesh. “It’s okay.” He said. “Chouji knows.”

A pause.

“His name’s Chouji, by the way.”

Chouga closed his eyes. Madara closed his and when he opened them he was standing in Ichiraku’s again.

It was as deserted as the rest of Jouhei-Konoha, save for an empty ramen bowl and a pair of chopsticks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to canon, Ichiraku's has been in Konoha for at least thirty years. Since everything regarding timing in this fic is woobly I introduced Teuki as Teuchi's father, owner of Ichiraku's before his son. 
> 
> No canon information is provided on any Founding clan aside from the Uchiha and the Senju. Everyone here is an OC NPC.


	7. third time lucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> for a dead man, Asuma sure has a lot to say.

Chouji wasn't sure how time worked in the kohaku no jouhei, but he was getting concerned. 

Mainly because according to his disturbingly accurate internal clock, he'd been hiding for almost half a day and wasn't hungry. 

This was Odd, Unusual, and possibly Very Bad. In the months since the war began Chouji had been eating whenever he had the time, because he never knew when he might be called upon to use his clan's most draining (and most offensively useful) techniques. After days on end of munch-fight-flee-repeat, the rest was starting to get to him. 

This uneasy food-free peace, coupled with the fact that the light had not seemed to budge from mid-afternoon, lead to the conclusion that the jouhei was in some kind of limbo. Was it this limbo that prevented them from using ninjutsu? A safeguard built in by the Sage of Six Paths? 

_If the light never changes then the terrain never changes,_ Chouji thought. Midafternoon wasn't ideal for stealth, especially when you were a five foot eight two hundred pound ninja, but the Akimichi hadn't survived to have sixteen clan heads without a couple surprises up their massive sleeves. 

According to all the data Shikamaru and Shikaku had gathered from the various divisions Madara was as deadly with taijutsu as he was with ninjutsu. Using Sasuke as his only point of reference, Chouji had to assume that Madara's physical power was heavily augmented by his massive chakra output. 

Chakra which was dampened within the jouhei. Madara had years of experience in war. 

Chouji had a chakra-free punch that could break a boulder in two. 

_Okay. New plan. Find Madara. Get in close. Choke the living fuck out of him._

Chouji took a deep and shaky breath. It wasn't a great plan. In this strange Konoha Madara could be anywhere, and even without access to his ninjutsu he was a more experienced opponent. It was possible that waiting so long had closed the golden window of attack. If Chouji lost the element of surprise at any time he could kiss his ass goodbye. 

Still, Chouji couldn't just sit around and do nothing. Who knew how much time had passed outside the jouhei? Killing Madara might just stop the zetsu cold. If it didn't, it at least removed one of the major players permanently- taking the King out of play. 

If it failed, Shikamaru lost a Gold General. 

_I'm already in here,_ Chouji reasoned, _so Shikamaru would be out a General anyway._

Shikamaru would tell him to take the gamble, even if he wouldn't be thrilled at the way the plan had shaped up. 

Besides while Chouji had always sucked at shogi, he was excellent at poker. He carefully stood up, emerging from the nest he had created in a low-flowering bush like a lazy deer intent on a new food source. A long moment of gathering what he could from his five senses told Chouji that he was alone.

Which was why it was surprising as hell that when he moved to where he had hidden his gear someone spoke to him. 

"You really are smarter than you give yourself credit for, Chouji." 

Chouji swallowed his sudden inhale. 

"You're not real." He said evenly without turning, and wondered if Madara's sharingan could somehow still function. This seemed like the kind of thing a mad Uchiha would conjure even if the Uchiha Founder hadn't been on the battlefield in question. 

"Not really, no." The smell of cigarette smoke- comforting and familiar- wafted over Chouji's head. "but I'm here anyway. Are you going to turn around?" 

"No." Chouji said. 

"I understand." 

"Go away." 

"Why?" 

"I've already killed you, Sensei." Chouji whispered. "Please go away." 

"You can't kill what's already dead, Chouji." A soft exhale and another cloud of smoke just over his shoulder. "You're right, Shikamaru would hate this plan." 

"Shikamaru's not here. I work with what I have and what I have isn't much." 

"That's a lie." The words were affectionate and a bit exasperated. "You have plenty." 

"I have a sliver of a shred of a hope that I can move faster than a guy who flattened half the first division in less than half an hour." Chouji said. 

"He is faster." Asuma acknowledged. 

"They always are." Chouji said tightly. "Are you going to be helpful or are you going to go away and let me make my bad decision?" 

Asuma's laughter was sad. "You're mad at me." 

Chouji's shoulders hunched. "Now is NOT the time, Asuma-sensei." 

"Now's the perfect time." Asuma said. "You have all the time in the world. Chouji, why are you mad at me?" 

Chouji picked a tree to stare at. "It's not important." 

"Yes it is. Your feelings were always important, Chouji. They're especially important in here, maybe more important than at any other moment in your life." There was the telltale sound of a fresh inhale on the cigarette before Asuma continued, "You're mad at me for dying." 

"Mad isn't the word I'd use." Chouji said. 

"Furious, then." Asuma acknowledged. "None of us choose when we go, Chouji." 

"You knew she was pregnant." Chouji said. "You could have turned the mission down and you didn't." 

"Kurenai knew I would choose my duty." 

"You shared marks." 

A red shape like a rose petal or a burning match head on Asuma's upper thigh, a black streak cut through with red and gold on the inside of Kurenai's right arm. The first Chouji had seen on the road. The second he'd spotted during a warm spring day, walking with Ino to deliver the weekly bouquet of roses. 

The next inhale was a little sharper. "You knew about that, huh?" 

Chouji said nothing. 

"Shikamaru and Ino?" 

Again he said nothing. 

"I died in service to my village." Asuma said. "It's not a bad way to go." 

"But you shouldn't have." Chouji said. 

"Why not?" Asuma asked. 

"Because Sarutobi don't die for Konoha, Akimichi do!" 

There was a moment of silence before Asuma said, quiet and deadly, "Don't you ever wish you traded places with me, Chouji." 

"At least a child wouldn't have been fatherless." 

"No, but a father would have been childless and that is worse. Remember what you're fighting for right now, Chouji." 

"Peace?" Chouji barked out a laugh and finished securing his gear. "Don't lie to me, Asuma-sensei. We both know lasting peace is for children and I'm not a child anymore." 

"So cynical." Asuma murmured. "Where did I go wrong? If it's pointless why are you planning to fight Madara?"

"I didn't say it was pointless I just said it was for children." Chouji said, finally turning to look at Asuma. Without the Impure World eyes it would be easy to believe he was whole and hale. The eerie brown gloom around them was the only indication that all of this was some strange fever dream. 

"Aren't they the same thing?" Asuma asked. 

"Nothing for children is pointless because children grow." Chouji said. "So if we win, if I fight Madara and kill him or if I fight him and I die and he never makes it out, and a true alliance is formed how long will it be before there's another war?" 

He checked his kunai pouch. "Years, maybe. Enough years for children to grow up. And then there's another war and they fight, too, and this time the peace is a little longer and maybe the children born during that previous war get to grow old and have children of their own before another one comes. Peace won't ever last, Asuma. Nothing _lasts._ What's important is that for the time it exists, it _is._ " 

Asuma's smile was broad. 

"Good god I'm so proud of you, Chouji." He said. 

"That makes one of us." Chouji said. He began walking and Asuma stepped in time with him. The path was one well-travelled by both and they didn't need to pay much attention to their surroundings. 

"You don't want to fight Madara." Asuma said as they came to a fork and took the left.

"Anyone with good sense wouldn't want to fight Madara." Chouji said. "I don't have a snowball's chance in Sunakagure of beating him." 

"While I would contest the truth of that," Asuma said, "that's not why you don't want to fight him." 

Chouji sighed. "Asuma-sensei.." 

"You never told me you had a soul mark and lost it." Asuma said. 

"It was never anyone's business." Chouji said. " I was so young it didn't matter. I think dad was relieved, actually." 

"Knowing him he probably was." Asuma acknowledged. "Do you know why Madara is your soulmate?" 

"Don't know, don't care." Chouji said. 

"Don't lie to me, Chouji." Asuma said kindly. "You'll never be as good at it as Ino." 

Chouji sighed. "I have no idea why Asuma-sensei and it doesn't matter. He's the enemy." 

"Only it does matter," Asuma said, "because you want to know why." 

"I always hoped I'd get another one." Chouji confessed. "Something nice and simple. Kanji or a flower or anything but, but-" he gestured with his hand. "This." 

"You hoped you'd find someone you could relate to." Asuma said. 

"I hoped I'd find someone who liked me or could learn to." Chouji said. "Who didn't demand I change everything I am for them." 

"Do you think Madara would do that?" Asuma asked curiously. 

"I don't know what he'd do he's been dead for years and he's been killing my allies left and right." 

"He's also one of the strongest ninja to ever live." Asuma said. "And he's got your swirl on him." 

"Good for me." Chouji said as they approached a clearing. Once Ino had learned to hone her sensing powers there. Chouji moved carefully around the edge, wary of open ground. 

"Soulmarks don't match up without a reason, Chouji." Asuma said. "and they don't just reappear without a reason either." 

"Asuma if you know something I don't please enlighten me." Chouji said sourly. "I'm not Shikamaru. I can't read beneath the beneath the beneath." 

"Liar." Asuma said. 

"Look," Chouji stopped and turned to glare at his dead teacher with his hands on his hips, "I don't know what I can offer Madara Uchiha other than three seconds of a workout before my imminent demise. He's a _genius_ and I'm-" 

Chouji paused. 

His eyes went wide. 

"He's a genius." Chouji whispered. 

Asuma lit a new cigarette, inhaled, and said, "Exactly." 

He put a hand on Chouji's shoulder. "You know why I didn't spend as much time with you as I did with Shikamaru and Ino?" He asked as Chouji continued to stare silently at him. "It's because I knew you were strong from the start, Chouji. Even compared to Madara- you're the strongest there is." 

"You're dead, Asuma-sensei." Chouji said. 

"So I am." Asuma said. "I've talked more than any dead man reasonably should." He leaned forward and kissed Chouji's forehead. "Fight the good fight, Chouji." He murmured. "Remember. You are the Wall." 

The smell of cigarette smoke drifted away with Asuma's fading image, leaving Chouji alone on the clearing's edge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to the naruto wikia, Chouji weighed in at about 200 pounds during the Fourth Ninja World War. I borrowed his 'blank period' height of five feet eight inches because that makes him about the size/weight of my father, AKA a man who could totally punch Madara Uchiha in the face.
> 
> The King and the Gold General are both pieces/concepts taken from the japanese cousin of chess, Shogi, which (as I should hope we all know) is Shikamaru's favorite game and preferred method for planning strategy. 
> 
> Next chapter: Probably more talking! and maybe some action. There's a lot of talking in this fic I'm sorry but not really.


	8. i know something you don't know (and i'm not telling)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chouji finds Madara and things get more complicated.
> 
> For Madara.

For a guy who was probably trying to find and kill him, Chouji was having a hell of a time tracking Madara down. 

He'd started on the outer wall and worked his way in. Konoha was a big village, and jouhei Konoha was no different, but Chouji worked diligently in established search patterns, confident now that he wouldn't tire or get hungry. 

It was eerie. Buildings Chouji knew as being in one place were in another. The Academy seemed a little fuzzy. When Chouji glanced down the road that led to the Clan compound the red door was stretched out in front of him. 

He walked and he hid. He listened and he tracked. 

There was not a single sign of his soulmate.

Chouji paused to lean on the sage gate that marked the entrance to the Aburame family lands. 

_Okay, think. If you were Madara Uchiha where would you be?_

Tough to say. It wasn't as though Madara needed any kind of tactical advantage. In the village he'd once called home he could be anywhere- where he was most comfortable? And where was that? This was a question best put to another Uchiha but they were all conveniently deceased and none of them had seen fit to- 

Except that one. 

Chouji slowly straightened up as the Uchiha coming down the path- Sasuke? No, too tall, with a thinner face, but the resemblance was uncanny- eyed him. 

"Hi." Chouji said, because what else could he say? 

The Uchiha looked him up and down. 

"You?" He asked, and sounded simultaneously incredulous and disgusted. 

"I guess. Depends on what you're talking about." Chouji let his hand dangle by his weapons pouch. "Have we met?" 

The Uchiha silently shook his head. He remained standing a few feet away, not in any way indicating an intent to maim or otherwise injure. 

"Okay," Chouji said slowly. "I don't suppose you could point me towards your, er, leader?" 

"He likes being up high." The Uchiha said. "So he can keep watch." 

Chouji snorted. "Why doesn't that surprise me?" He muttered. "Right. Up high. Thanks, um-?" 

"Izuna." The man said. 

"Izuna. Well, thanks Izun- wait." 

Old history lessons were knocking on the back door. 

Chouji looked at the Uchiha again. Izuna rose an eyebrow. 

"Do you want to come with me?" Chouji asked carefully. "I mean. To see, you know, your brother." 

"I don't think I would help." Izuna said and for a moment his face twisted. "Akimichi." 

"Yeah?" 

"Drag him back." Izuna said. "I was wrong. We were all wrong. Make sure he knows it." 

"I can- give that a shot-" Chouji started but Izuna was already gone like Asuma had gone, erased by a blink of the eye. 

Chouji sighed deeply. "Okay. Up high." He turned and found himself staring at the Hokage Rock.

Well. 

If anything could be considered prime Uchiha brooding territory in this godforsaken place... 

No time like the present. Chouji headed for the rocks. 

\---

Madara was sitting on Hashirama's head. 

"We were here," Madara said as Chouji silently approached, "when I named the village." He looked down. "It wasn't carved then." 

Chouji didn't respond. 

"What do you plan on doing, Chouji?" Madara asked and oh no he'd said his name in that terribly distracting voice and when had he learned Chouji's name anyway?! 

No point in lying. They were in an empty village in a magic jar. "Well, I thought maybe I'd try talking you out of destroying the world." Chouji said. "That's plan A." 

"Hm." Madara gave him a look reminiscent of a matron glaring at a dog considering messing on her floor. "And plan B?" 

"I do my level best to choke the life out of you and meet my ancestors in time for dinner." Chouji replied. 

Whatever he expected Madara to say or do in response to that, Chouji definitely hadn't expected the laughter. It wasn't even maniacal laughter. It was delighted laughter. The laugh of a man who hadn't heard a joke in so long he'd almost forgotten what delight was. 

"You," Madara said, "Are definitely related to Chouga." He glanced over his shoulder at the village. "Is it worth it?" 

"What do you mean?" Chouji asked carefully. 

"Dying to protect it. To protect a meaningless peace that will inevitably blossom into war. You have no hope against me but still you would try, and die, for something worthless." 

"If peace wasn't worth dying for I wouldn't be a sixteenth heir paired with a tenth and a ninth." Chouji said. 

Madara's eyebrows rose. He looked like Izuna. He looked like Sasuke. 

"Sixteen?" Madara murmured. "Quite a number of useless deaths." 

"What makes them useless?" Chouji challenged. 

"If a peace does not last then the war that preceded it is useless and so are the dead." Madara countered. 

"Really?" Chouji asked. 

"You feel differently, I see." 

"The only useless thing is not fighting for peace regardless of how long it lasts." Chouji said. 

"A true Akimichi. Your ancestor would be proud." 

"My ancestor died for you." Chouji shot back. "This is how you repay that?" 

"I owe you nothing." Madara said. "Chouga made his choice." 

"So did the rest of the clan." Chouji said. "So did I. We chose to stay. Why didn't you?" 

Madara stood and stepped forward in a fluid snakelike motion. "Do not presume to know why I do what I do." 

Chouji's smile was entirely disarming. "I know you better than you could ever imagine." He said. 

Madara snorted. "A wet-behind-the-ears chunin who got lucky using a Sage Tool he doesn't comprehend does not understand me." 

"Actually, I do." Chouji said. "My teacher helped me figure it out." He smiled. "I guess he felt like he owed me that." 

"Any teacher who would encourage you to face me in combat is lacking in the brains department." Madara pointed out. 

"Asuma-sensei wouldn't argue with you, but he can't. He's dead. Why you?" 

"You're delaying the inevitable." Madara drew a kunai. 

"Why you?" Chouji repeated. "Why, of all the people in all the world, did I wind up with your mark?" 

"Fate has a strange sense of humor." Madara said. 

Chouji shook his head. "No." He said. "No, that's not it." 

"Enough." Madara said, and lunged. 

Chouji brought up his arm and caught Madara's elbow as he tried for a downward slash. Chouji tightened his defensive stance and did his best to keep his voice steady. "It's because I can understand." 

"You can't understand anything." Madara said, trying to use his greater height to force Chouji to his knees. 

"Yes I can." Chouji said. "I've practically been training for it my whole life. Only realized it now, though." 

He took a deep breath. "It's not your fault you couldn't bring peace, Madara." 

Then he shifted his weight ever so slightly and when Madara went down, Chouji's foot came down on his back. Using the momentum the Akimichi leapt away, leaving Madara face-down in a crater in the dirt. 

It was too much to hope that it could stop the Uchiha and it didn't. Madara never lost his grip on his kunai and he stood up almost immediately with no obvious physical damage. 

No damage at all, as a matter of fact. 

"What do you mean?" Madara asked. He sounded for all the world like a curious academy student. Chouji could see past it now. He could see the cracks. Worse, he knew Madara knew he could see them. He'd officially reached dangerous territory. 

"You don't have to be perfect." Chouji said. "You felt like you did. Still do. Everything will be fine as long as you are in control but that's not true. That's not how it works." 

He began circling wide and continued, "you always had to do it yourself, so the idea of trusting someone else is foreign to you. You had to maintain everything, all the time. No breaks, no rest. That's what geniuses do. That's what's expected of them." 

Madara tightened his grip on the kunai. 

"You don't want to do this." Chouji said. "You never did. But you had an obligation- to your Clan, to yourself, to the promise you made with the First Hokage. Peace no matter what. The end always justified the means." 

"The Eye of the Moon can bring peace." Madara said. 

"The Eye of the Moon can bring peace like drinking water eases hunger." Chouji shot back. "Eventually it won't be enough. In the meantime it eats you alive." 

"If I take the burden no one else needs to suffer!" Madara said. 

"And what about you?" Chouji demanded. "What about your suffering?!" 

"I am not suffering." Madara said. 

"Liar." Chouji replied. He paused in his circling. 

"I tire of this." Madara said. "What you think doesn't matter." He charged. He was faster than Chouji and grabbed the younger ninja in a hold, meaning to push him off the edge. 

Chouji rammed his elbow down into the back of Madara's head with the force of a rockslide. The Uchiha let go and Chouji twisted out of his grip. One handstand-backslide later and Chouji silently thanked Ino for every humiliating gymnastics lesson she'd bullied him through. 

"You can't run forever." Madara said. 

"Maybe not." Chouji acknowledged. "But I bet I can do it a long time." 

"I thought your plan was to choke the second life out of me." Madara said. 

"I'd really prefer not to do that." Chouji said. "Weird as it sounds, killing my soulmate just leaves a bad taste in my mouth." He flicked a kunai out. "Especially when he's such an abysmal moron." 

"You are a waste of time." Madara said. 

"To you and everyone else I crushed into pulp." Chouji said. "Shall we?" 

He attacked in a flurry of frontal kunai stabs that Madara easily countered. The Uchiha's footwork was a thing of beauty more advanced than Sasuke could ever dream of. 

"You know," Chouji said when they were blade-to-blade, "I never did catch how you got my name." 

"An idiot I know told me." Madara replied, and neatly turned his knife for a throat-ending slice. 

It would have been perfect. 

It would have ended any other fight. 

Yet even as Madara's kunai passed through the protective collar on Chouji's armor, even as it sliced through the Akimichi's neck, the wound disappeared. 

Madara's eyes widened a fraction. 

Chouji's grin was borderline shit-eating. 

"Some genius." He said, a little hoarse, as Madara backed away. "You didn't even notice, did you?" 

Madara looked around. Though they had kicked up dust with their skirmish it had all settled exactly from whence it had risen. The crater Chouji had created when he'd stepped on Madara had vanished. 

Madara immediately flipped his kunai and cut off a finger. 

No sooner did the sharp edge sever his flesh than it healed. 

"I wondered." Chouji said. "When I was hiding and the light never changed. Nothing moved." He looked around. "This place is one moment frozen in amber. Kohaku." 

"That's not possible." Madara said. "I saw-" 

"So did I." Chouji said. "and I'm not smart enough to know why. I just know that the sun's right where it was when we first got here, and I can't kill you, and you can't kill me." 

He sat and patted the ground next to him. "So we might as well talk." 

Madara stared at him. 

"What?" Chouji asked. "I don't bite." 

"Liar." Madara said, and Chouji's laughter echoed over an empty village.


	9. meanwhile, back on the farm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shikamaru and Ino have some Feelings about this whole thing.

_Shikamaru is watching Chouji burn up. He is young and skeletal, stupid to use those pills. Stupid to leave him behind. Bad leader, bad friend. Stupid Shikamaru._

_"It's okay, Shikamaru." Chouji says to him, and falls apart._

_They are running on the battlefield and there are zetsu on all sides. They have Chouji's arms, his legs. Shikamaru knows if they keep running they'll survive but they have to leave him they have to-_

_"It's okay." Chouji says. They tear him apart._

_Madara is there and he's got Chouji in an embrace that could almost be loving and his eyes are shining red like that god damn mark, the mark Shikaku had been convinced would bring Madara onto the battlefield the moment he saw Chouji, the mark that ties the most perfect soul Shikamaru has ever known to the greatest threat he has ever faced in his life._

_"It's okay." Chouji says, and Madara rips his heart out._

Shikamaru jerked awake and made the mistake of turning over. It was there, between he and Ino in the tent guarded by some of the heaviest barrier seals Orochimaru himself could whip up. 

It didn't look like much. It was just a jar. It could hold rice or sake, water or wheat. 

If someone had told Shikamaru Nara a week ago that the survival of the world he knew would come down to how well he could play a bloody game of keep-away with a ninjutsu-infused jar that possibly held the corpse of his closest friend, he'd have told that person they were a goddamn liar no matter how troublesome it would turn out to be. 

It was turning out to be very fucking troublesome indeed. 

Keeping the kohaku no jouhei from the various zetsu battalions was child's play compared to how difficult it was turning out to keep it from the revived ninja of the Impure World. Every time Shikamaru thought they were in the clear someone else clawed six feet up to make a mess. 

He considered himself lucky that Hidan was in pieces and wouldn't be clawing anywhere. The Sealing squads were working on little rest, sealing undead ninja as fast as the Alliance could bring them down. Taka sans Sasuke had been dispatched to find Kabuto and had yet to return. 

Shikamaru tried to close his eyes. In the morning they would be on the move again, trying to find a weakness in an enemy that didn't seem to have any. 

There was the softest rasp of cloth on the other side of the jar and Shikamaru knew that Ino had been having nightmares too. 

"He's okay." Shikamaru said because he needed it to be true. He needed, more than anything, for Chouji to be somehow alright in whatever pocket he'd wound up shoved in. 

Ino didn't say anything. Shikamaru could picture the small frown creasing her face, the way she scrunched her eyes up to keep from spilling tears. There was no time for tears. This was a war they had to win. 

They'd had to win it before, of course. 

The addition of the soul mark, of the Plan, of Chouji's entrapment and Madara's removal from the field, just made it that much more personal. 

Shikamaru stared at the jouhei. The seal on the side was burned into his memory and he didn't need to be able to see in the dark tent to know that it was there. 

It was pointless to ponder the what ifs of the future. Shikamaru knew if he thought too hard he would wind up three hundred steps ahead and he needed to be in the present, working absolute fact. 

It was doubly important now that Chouji wasn't there to bring him back. 

Chouji had agreed to the plan without hesitation. Asked only if it were possible for Madara to escape the jar, accepted like Shikamaru couldn't that the only answer the Raikage could give was that no one else had ever managed it. 

It had been Chouji's idea to leave Shikamaru vulnerable to Madara. That had been plan number seven, but Chouji insisted it be bumped to number one. 

"He's fought with InoShikaChos before. He'll be expecting me to get in close if he attacks you. He'll be focused on me. It will give us the opening we need." 

Madara had been, and he was, and it did. 

Fat lot of good that did Chouji. 

Stupid self-sacrificing jerk. 

Shikamaru pressed his face into his pillow. In the morning they would prepare to depart. Ino would shoulder the jar, insisting that Shikamaru was a wimp who couldn't handle it. Shikamaru wouldn't argue with her, even though he knew better. Knew this was Ino's way of protecting Chouji. As long as she had the jar, she had him. Everything would be okay. 

It had to be. 

The flap of the tent was opened in the time it took Shikamaru to close his eyes. 

"It's time to move." Sasuke said, and Shikamaru stood and stumbled. He reached without thinking for the broad back he knew would be there to steady him. 

There was nothing. Just the god damn jar.


	10. this is our get-along jar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Chouji works some skills he probably learned from Naruto and there is a duex-ex-Hagoromo.

The Akimichi had always been easy to talk to and Madara had viewed that as one of their greatest and most dangerous strengths. Gossip could stop armies if properly applied. Every ninja had to be vigilant to how they said things and when. Madara had always done his best to be reticent around the other Clan Heads in his time, but something about the Akimichi made a tongue loose. It wasn't just Chouga but his sister Chouka, his cousin Momotaro, the elderly Zifu it didn’t seem to matter. All they had to do was ask how his day was and all bets were off.

Chouji didn’t ask how Madara’s day was. Instead he said, “Your brother wanted me to tell you he was wrong.”

Madara stiffened like an angry cat. Chouji continued, “He didn’t elaborate on what he meant but I think I can guess. He told me where to find you in a roundabout way.”

“You saw Izuna?” And why would Izuna show himself to Chouji, not Madara? to his brother?

“Yeah. Sort of embarrassing, honestly, I didn’t know who he was at first. He looks a lot like Sasuke.”

Madara remembered a small boy crying over his parents’ corpses. “The last one.”

“Um. Yeah. Can I ask you a question?”

“You just did.”

“Oh cut the genius crap.”

Madara’s eyebrow rose and he sat down across from Chouji. “That’s the second time you’ve called me a genius.”

“It’s become depressingly relevant in the last however many hours we’ve been here.” Chouji said.

“Why?” Madara asked.

“Because geniuses are idiots and they can’t be trusted to look after themselves. THAT’S why I have this.” Chouji gestured with his hand. “You need to be looked after. Clearly. When left to your own devices you do things like try to annihilate your entire clan and start generations-long wars.”

“I never asked for anyone to look after me.” Madara said.

“Yeah and I never asked for my soulmate to be a God of Shinobi who can’t accept failure.”

Madara bristled. “I can-”

“I’m gonna stop you right there.” Chouji said slowly. “No you can’t. I’ve not met a single genius who can accept personal failure and trust me I’ve met a few.” 

Madara’s jaw twitched.

“Am I wrong?” Chouji challenged.

Silence.

“I knew it.” Chouji said. “You’re just like Sasuke .Or Sasuke’s just like you. You’d rather take all the pain on yourself because you think that’s the only way.”

“It is the only way.” Madara said.

“No it’s not. Why do you think that way? Why does the idea of suffering alone to control everyone else appeal to you? What is real about that peace?”

“Would you rather be suffering?” Madara challenged.

“If it helped share the burden, yes!” Chouji said.

Madara wasn’t expecting that.

“Why would you want to share it?” He asked, genuinely curious.

“Because a burden shared is a burden halved,” Chouji said. “And you know that.”

Madara considered Chouji for a long moment.

“May I see it?” He asked.

“See what?”

“The mark.” Madara said.

Chouji looked from the Uchiha to his wrapped hand. “I guess,” he said reluctantly, and began removing the gauntlet and bandaging. He looked at his palm for a moment before carefully lifting his arm and holding his hand palm-out.

Madara examined the mark. It wasn’t his Rinnegan, but his Mangekyo Sharingan with its three connected tomoe.

“Was it like that when you were a child?” Madara asked.

“Um. Yes. At least I’m pretty sure it was.” Chouji said, looking at it. “It’s been a long time. I mean it must have faded when you died the first time, so.” He coughed awkwardly. 

Madara removed his glove and held up his own hand, showing the red open spiral. 

“Butterfly tongue, if I remember correctly.” Madara said. Chouji flushed a little. “Something to be embarrassed about?” Madara asked with an arched brow.

“No.”

“you’re lying.”

“It’s none of your business.”

“Considering the hows and the whys of how we wound up where we are right now, Akimichi, I think it’s very much my business.”

“Look that’s personal alright?”

“We are two souls joined. Personal is irrelevant.”

“I don’t share the butterfly tongue backstory until date five and you know what I’ve never even made date three so you’re out of luck buddy.”

“This isn’t a date.” Madara said.

“Damn right it’s not a date I’ve never had philosophical arguments with my dates and there’s usually tea.” Chouji said.

He felt the tatami mat under him at the same moment Madara did. The two ninja looked at one another and then down at the simplistic tea service which had appeared between them on a low table.

“I didn’t do that.” Madara said after a moment.

“I didn’t either.” Chouji replied. He examined the service. “This isn’t remotely a proper ceremony setup.” He said in the general direction of nowhere before he examined the provided matcha. Satisfied that it wasn't poisoned (would poison even work in this amber world?) he began to prepare the tea. 

“You perform tea ceremonies?” Madara asked, watching his careful movements.

“I’m a sixteenth generation Akimichi heir of course I perform tea ceremonies.” Chouji carefully poured water- suspiciously hot despite the lack of brazier- and began whisking in powdered matcha. “Don’t destroy our village and I’d be glad to do one for you.”

Once the tea was finished Chouji offered Madara a cup.

“You are stubborn. I will give you that.” Madara acknowledged. He took the tea.

“On the whole ‘your self destructive behavior is going to screw us all’ thing? Yes I am.” Chouji said, working on his own cup. “You can ask my best friend I am going to be a pain in your brilliant ass.”

“You speak as though the matter is settled.” Madara said.

“Which one? The one where your plan to lock everyone in a massive genjutsu is awful on all fronts, the one where we fundamentally disagree on what peace is worth and how it should be fought for, or the one where I’m working really hard to forget that the only thing keeping me alive is you being fascinated at the idea of a soulmate like an Aburame is fascinated by bugs pinned to paper?”

“I can’t kill you.” Madara pointed out.

“I’m sure you could figure it out.” Chouji said.

They both sipped.

“I admit I never pictured a potential soulmate quite like you.” Madara said.

“Join the club.” Chouji said. “First of all I sort of figured mine would be, you know, near my age. And a lot of other things can we not talk about this?”

“What do you suggest we talk about?” Madara asked.

“How about this whole years long midlife crisis of yours?”

“You believe that peace is not fundamentally able to be eternal, yet it is worth dying for.” Madara said. “You can see my confusion. It’s hardly a crisis.”

“I guess.” Chouji said. “but I’m even more confused at you. I mean I get that being dead and coming back to life left a lot of gaps but you’re surrounded by people who would help if they could. Naruto would. I mean he’s kind of crazy but he would help. Sakura too once she stopped being mad. Most of Konoha.”

“Konoha has no love lost for me.”

“You’re not wrong,” Chouji said, “but peace buys chances.”

Madara put his teacup down. “The Curse of Hatred doesn’t allow for second chances.”

“The Curse of Hatred is hardly a curse it’s just plain ornery stubbornness!” Chouji replied.

“You do not know-”

“You think I don’t?” Chouji asked and his voice became dangerous. That surprised Madara because the edge wasn’t one he’d thought to hear in a ninja so young.

“Very well.” Madara said. “What do you know?”

“I know that my father fought so hard for the Uchiha that we fell out of favor until I was eight.” Chouji said. “I know Naruto was shunned because he held something he didn’t want and never asked for. I know that Sasuke thinks he can handle all that pain the same way you think you can handle it and I know none of that’s true. I know that your hatred can be destroyed because in the end even when everything is terrible and people are dying something lives and that’s _hope._ Hope can make a man wait for his best friend for years even when everyone else has given up on him and hope can keep a brother’s love alive and hope can propel some dumb kid to win a fight he never should have had a chance at because his best friend believed in him. Everything burns except hope.”

Madara was quiet for a long time. Chouji stared down at the tea in his cup.

“That’s it.” Madara said.

“What’s it?” Chouji asked harshly.

“You had no hope and yet you came to fight me anyway. You had no hope but you trapped me anyway. You had no hope but still you’re sitting here and you’ve made me tea and you tell me I don’t deserve the pain I would take to bring about peace despite all that I have done.”

“No one deserves that much pain.” Chouji said. “Not for a peace so false.”

“You care.” Madara said, incredulous. Then, “you _care._ ” A little softer. Madara chuckled and the chuckle became a laugh and the laugh became tears which he mopped away with impatience. 

“Of course you care. You’re an Akimichi. I was wrong, Izuna said. How stupid. Is it this simple?”

Chouji watched Madara, unwilling to show how alarmed the display was making him.

“Is it this simple?” Madara asked again. “Can you really say to me you still have hope?”

“Yes.” Chouji said.

“If you lose, you’ll still have it.” Madara sounded amazed. “Sixteen generations have risen and fallen and yet It never leaves you.” He looked up at the sky. “Was it like this for you, Hashirama?” He asked the unmoving clouds. Then he turned his attention back to Chouji.

“This is not an easy path to travel.” Madara said and Chouji suspected that the conversation had just taken a sudden turn.

“If I thought it was easy,” he said, only half-sure of what they were talking about, “I’d have never agreed to be stuck in here in the first place.”

“There will be problems.” Madara said.

“So there will be, but those are for later, aren’t they?” Asked a voice that was New.

Chouji and Madara were on their feet in an instant, tea service gone, but the newcomer didn’t seem terribly interested in fighting. He crossed his arms and looked at them. It was remarkably like the look Choza gave Chouji when he was small and didn’t pick up all his toys in a timely manner.

Chouji acted first. He have a short bow. “Hello.” He said. Madara remained as he was, carefully watching the man- it was a man, wasn't it?- with his white robes, his strange horns, and his rinnegan-marked eyes.

The man smiled. “As polite as the first of your clan I ever met.” He said. “Hello, Chouji.” He looked at Madara and for a moment sadness crossed his face. “Uchiha-san.”

“Sage.” Madara said shortly.

“Sage of Six Paths?” Chouji asked. “As in the guy who made the jar we’re stuck in?”

“The very same, though not in true flesh. In the kohaku-no-jouhei I am only an afterthought. A shadow, as everything you have seen thus far. I am Hagoromo.”

“Why are you here?” Madara asked. 

“This isn’t,” Hagoromo said, “how I thought this would play out.”

“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” Chouji asked.

“I am not sure.” Hagoromo admitted. “That it should all come down to a shared soul mark unrelated to the greater struggle. Intriguing.”

“Intrigue is hardly the most pressing concern we have right now.” Madara said. “I repeat. Why are you here?”

“To see.” Hagoromo said.

“That sounds utterly useless.” Madara said.

“Yet it is one of the most important skills to have,” Hagoromo peacefully replied, “and it is one you struggle with.”

Madara snorted.

Chouji glanced at Madara and then away. He gazed around them, eyes moving from the strange silent Konoha spread out at their feet to the trees some yards beyond, as still as though carved. When Chouji brought his eyes back to Hagoromo he looked enlightened, indeed. 

Hagoromo smiled. “I see the young Akimichi has figured it out.”

“Figured what out?” Madara asked Chouji.

“We can’t fight one another.” Chouji said. “Jutsus of any kind are useless here and nothing seems to appear unless we need it. The jouhei isn’t a prison, is it?”

Hagormo shook his head. “It was never intended to be a prison.” He said. “When I created it I had a very different idea in mind.”

“And that would be?” Madara asked.

“It’s a meeting place.” Chouji said. “A neutral ground, right?”

Hagoromo nodded. “Self-contained, and peaceful.” He said. “So that two feuding parties could meet and discuss for as long as need be without blood being shed. That is why one must respond before they can be sealed- it was meant to be a choice, not a sentence. It would give those sealed within context and awareness."

“Which is why I saw Asuma-sensei, and Izuna.” Chouji said.

“Those who are gone often have the wisdom the living need,” Hagoromo said.

“Chouga Akimichi was many things but wise is not one of them.” Madara muttered. “You didn’t need to reveal yourself to watch us argue.”

Hagoromo crossed his arms. "I didn't." 

"Hagoromo-san, what's going on?" Chouji asked. 

The Sage of Six Paths watched his guests with steady eyes. “The world outside is coming to a boiling point. Soon there will be no turning back, for the Shinobi Alliance or for Obito.” He caught Madara’s gaze and held it. “Your final battle is coming, Uchiha-san. The question is what side are you on?”

Madara didn’t want to do it.

He didn’t think about doing it, either.

He just did- turned his head to look at Chouji.

Chouji smiled and offered his bare, sharingan-marked hand.

Madara looked at it for a moment.

Then he offered his own swirl-marked palm and their fingers laced.

Madara looked to Hagoromo. “Stopping the plan will not be easy.” He said. “Even without me, Obito has access to all the tailed beasts sealed in the Demonic Statue. This could be pointless.”

“It could.” Hagoromo acknowledged.

Madara sighed. “But even if it is, I have to try. Is this how Hashirama felt? No wonder he was such a fool.”

“You said the same thing of your brother once,” Hagoromo said. “Now. Hold tight. I do believe this diplomatic session has ended.”

Chouji blinked. “Wait you’re just gonna-”

Hagoromo made two quick hand seals and the last thing Chouji saw before being blinded by light was Madara, looking at their joined hands in something like wonder and something like fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Japanese tea ceremonies are beautiful, intricate, and not something I was willing to take on as an outsider with limited time- so maybe later! 
> 
> I think we're getting close to the end of this fic but I make no promises. 
> 
> Rated M for hand holding.


	11. the melancholy of akimichi touma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Touma guards the jar.

Of all the things Akimichi Touma thought he'd be doing during the Fourth war, guarding a giant jar was not it. 

Akimichi Fujiko hadn't expected it either, and she wasn't thrilled. 

"This is boring." 

"Boring is good." Touma said. "Boring is perfect. We like boring." 

"You like boring." Fujiko muttered. 

"No, I like this jar out of the hands of that maniac riding around on a giant evil statue on the battlefield." Touma retorted. 

"We're behind the biggest, scariest seal I've ever seen." Fujiko pointed out. She wasn't wrong- the seal they were sitting on was easily fifty feet in diameter, carved into the rock beneath them with acid and chakra. Watching the disgraced Sanin Orochimaru place it had been. Interesting. 

Disgusting.

But interesting. 

Lord Fourth had assured HQ that the seal would not allow any aggressors inside; it was one of his wife's and built for a purpose like this. The other Hokage had been more than willing to add finishing touches to both the seal and the camp that supported it. If they were in a time of peace no doubt the amount of work would have been considered a marvel of scholarship and jutsu fusion. 

Shikamaru hadn't wanted to leave the kohaku-no-jouhei at all but it was fast becoming a liability, especially after B and Naruto faced off against Obito and provided him with eight and nine-tailed chakra. 

The Gold and Silver brothers were somewhere in the jar and apparently when you were trying to become a vessel for some ultimate evil force, every little bit counted. 

Touma could understand Shikamaru's hesitation. Without Chouji, Team Asuma looked lopsided. 

He'd promised Shikamaru he'd do his absolute best and he would; it was what he was trained for, what Fujiko was trained for. If anything did get through the seal they likely wouldn't have a chance in hell of defeating it but they would give it their damn best shot. 

"You think he's okay in there?" Fujiko asked. Touma looked from her to the jar. 

"I don't know." He admitted. When it came up that their clan heir had been sucked into the jouhei alongside Uchiha Madara, Clan Akimichi had had _words_ for Nara Shikaku and HQ. Few of them were kind. Choza had put a stop to it the moment he'd been tied into the conversation- Chouji had made his choice and that was that. It had been the right one, given them the strategic advantage they currently held. 

That didn't make it suck any less. 

"He'd better be okay." Fujiko muttered. "If my brother winds up clan heir I'm moving to Suna." 

Touma snorted. As the son of Choza's brother, Makaro would be the next logical choice for heir to the position of Clan Head, but comparing Makaro and Chouji was like comparing fresh herbs to dried. They both had their merits, but they were Different. 

"Chouji would never drop that on Makaro and you know it." Touma said. "He's not that cruel." 

"Chouji doesn't have a cruel bone in his body." Fujiko agreed. She let her eyes move over the perimeter for the fourth time in half an hour. They were guarding the jouhei in five hour rotations and soon the second shift would would arrive to relieve them. 

"Would be nice to be a Hyuuga right now." She muttered. "I can't stand not knowing." 

"When Saki gets here she can patch you through to HQ." Touma said. "It can't be going too badly or-" 

There was a sudden and intense vibration of chakra flow, new and unknown. 

Both Touma and Fujiko inhaled and turned at the same time, kunai drawn. 

"Where's it coming from?" Fujiko asked him. 

Touma looked around and saw no one. He reached out with his senses and felt only the perimeter guards. 

"I don't know." He said. "Wall, now." 

Both he and Fujiko cast their kunai aside and, standing back to back, reached across the jouhei to grasping each other's arms, creating a circle. Fujiko wriggled her toes and Touma adjusted how he stood. An attacker would go for their linked arms or try to move between them. Said attacker would then be crushed to persimmon-colored pulp with a dual full-body baika. It was an old tactic but it had served the Akimichi well. 

Only nothing happened; no attack seemed forthcoming. 

Nothing. 

Nothing. 

And then-

"It's the jar," Fujiko whispered, craning her head to stare down at the kohaku-no-jouhei between them. 

"That's not possible." Touma said. "No one's activated it." 

"Touma I am telling you-LOOK OUT!" Fujiko let go and they both fell back as the pressure within the jar became too great and the lid popped off. 

Literally. 

The cork flew several yards clear of the seal to land with a solid thud. Fujiko and Touma barely had time to stand and orient themselves before chakra began surging out of the jar, swirling and pooling until it rose up and formed two men holding hands. 

The light of the energy dissipated and Akimichi Chouji blinked at his cousins. 

"Hi, Touma. Hi, Fujiko. Is there still a war on?" 

Fujiko stared. Touma looked carefully from Chouji to Madara Uchiha and down to where said Uchiha was holding his cousin's hand. 

"Yes." He said cautiously, and wondered if the seal could hold what was inside as well as it kept things out. 

"As if it would be so simple." Madara said. 

"Hey hope springs eternal." Chouji said to Madara. 

"I suppose it does." Madara admitted. 

"Um." Fujiko rose her hand. "Confused?" 

"Oh, right, sorry. Madara this is Fujiko and Touma. Guys this is-" 

"We know." Touma said. "Who that is." 

"Ah yeah I guess you wouldn't wouldn't you?" Chouji grinned, embarrassed- like he'd just introduced two old school friends to one another, not a Clan member to the de facto Mastermind behind the war they were fighting. 

"Chouji how did you get out?" Fujiko asked. 

"Interesting question with an equally interesting answer but we don't have time." Chouji said apologetically. "Is there a sensor around? Anyone who can link us with HQ?" 

"I'm sure they're on their way." Touma said evenly, never taking his eyes off of Madara. 

"Touma stop glaring at my soulmate please." Chouji said. 

Touma coughed. 

"Your WHAT?" He asked. 

"Okay I take back all the complaining about being bored." Fujiko said. "This is officially better than trying to fight a crazy Uchiha on a giant ugly statue." 

Madara was inspecting the seal. "Hashirama had a hand in this." He said. 

"Isn't Lord First dead?" Chouji asked. 

"Um. Well. Not really?" Fujiko offered. "I mean he is but he isn't?" 

"Impure World Reincarnation Orochimaru did it with some zetsu that HQ said were clear I'm sorry did you say _soulmate_?" Touma demanded. 

Madara glanced at Chouji and then released his hand, holding his own palm up for Touma's inspection. 

"Holy shit." Fujiko said. "Holy fucking balls to the wall shit." 

"If this war doesn't kill us Choza might." Touma said. 

"Isn't there a law regarding Akimichi Patriarchs and suitors?" Madara asked Chouji. 

"Yeah," Chouji admitted, "but seriously can we talk about this later? Death? Destruction? Imminent revival of the ultimate evil followed by mass mind control?" 

"Rub it in why don't you." Madara said. 

"I am making a point we don't have time for this. Touma we really need-" 

"Fujiko! Touma!" An Iwa ninja emerged from the underbrush, followed closely by his compatriots, the other perimeter guards- by and large other members of the Akimichi clan, barring a Yamanaka and the odd mist nin. "We sensed- HOLY SHIT." 

"If I had a coin for every time I heard that one I could be properly buried again." Madara said. 

Fujiko grinned. "He's got a sense of humor!" 

Touma stared at the jar, and then at Chouji, who smiled sheepishly and waved his sharingan-marked hand. 

"I need a drink." Touma said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Makaro is a canon member of the Akimichi clan. Everyone else is made up. 
> 
> In other news, we've CLEARED THE JAR! -confetti-


	12. ride or die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chouji's never asked much of his team mates, except that they trust him. So Shikamaru and Ino will.
> 
> Even if trust involves Madara Uchiha.

“You need to trust me.”

Ino looked at Shikamaru and Shikamaru looked at her. The shelter that the Iwa ninja put up in haste during a lull felt close despite how broad its walls were.

They had barely any warning. It had been the First Hokage who stated he felt Madara, then HQ had all but mentally roared up on them and then he'd just been THERE, holding Chouji's hand. 

"We're starting to make a habit of this and it's weird." Chouji had said. 

"No time to complain." Madara had replied and then there'd been a sort of fight- only sort of because you could only get suckerpunched by an Akimichi so many times before you decided to give him some space. 

Then Madara had seen Hashirama Senju. Ino had recognized the look they shared, a little bit. It was like how she and Sakura had looked at one another for a long time. 

This had led to the heated conversation- one couldn’t quite call it a yelling match because all parties involved were doing their best to keep their chakra signatures nill, so actual aggression was just plain Out.

Chouji hadn’t spoken to the First Hokage, or to the Fourth, or Naruto.

He’d looked right at Ino and Shikamaru.

Like always.

“It’s gonna be okay.” He said in a space that was so tight with tension a single breath could bring it down.

Behind Chouji and still glaring at the First Hokage, Madara Uchiha stood with his arms crossed. To his credit, if any credit could be given, the Uchiha had taken the automatic full-frontal attack on him when he’d appeared in stride.

Chouji hadn’t and several ninja had the broken bones to prove it.

Ino had thought for one horrifying minute that Madara had taken him, had gotten inside her Chouji’s head and twisted it around like a child’s spinning top. She’d been ready, she’d been on the verge of throwing herself in because if there was one mind she could free it had to be Chouji and what was Madara on a mental battlefield to a Yamanaka, anyway?

Then she saw that Chouji’s hits were heavy and designed to put a man down but not put him out.

The fight stopped. The explanation was given, and matched what Shikaku had been given. No one liked it. Tobirama said it was too convenient and silently Ino agreed with him. Madara had said it didn’t matter how convenient it was, it had happened, if Tobirama ever had any sense of wonder in his life he wouldn’t be such a damn wet blanket.

Tobirama had been surprised at that. By the look on his face, so had Madara.

Then Chouji had smiled and it wasn’t a smile Ino had ever seen before and she felt something go tight in her chest.

Madara wanted to go in alone. He’d pointed out that Obito knew he was there, was only holding off his attack because he didn’t know why Madara hadn’t emerged. Tobirama didn’t trust Madara as far as he could throw him. Hashirama and Third were trying to mediate and Ino watched grown men argue like she and Sakura had over Sasuke once upon a time and wondered how the fuck exactly her village had survived so long.

Which brought them to Chouji, asking them to trust him.

Ino waited, looking between her boys. Her muscle and her brain, her strategist and her perpetual motion. When she saw the barest twitch at the edge of Shikamaru's eyes she knew that he had it. 

“Formation V?” Shikamaru asked.

Chouji nodded.

Hiruzen looked sharp. “That’s too dangerous.” He said.

“With all due respect, Lord Third,” Chouji said, “I wasn’t talking to you.”

Hiruzen looked simultaneously shocked and a little proud and it was a bit too much like Asuma’s face for Ino to look very long.

“I’m unfamiliar with the term.” Hashirama admitted.

“They’re gonna flank Madara.” Naruto said. “Chouji in front, Ino to the right, Shikamaru to the left. Right?”

“That’s suicide.” Sasuke said. “One short to midrange with a sensor and a long range?” He shook his head. “Let me and Naruto-”

“You and Naruto are going to be needed after.” Chouji said. “It’s not about the statue. It’s about getting Madara into striking range and everything in between us and Obito.”

“And there’s a lot in between.” Madara murmured.

Tobirama scowled. “Whose fault is that?!”

“Not NOW!” Sakura said, and the way she clenched her fist had the Second Hokage shutting up. “Shikamaru,” Sakura turned her attention to the Nara. “How good is this plan?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Ino and Shikamaru said at the same time. They looked at one another for a second.

“If we coordinate with the others,” Shikamaru said, “we can make it look like another pronged assault. Possibly multiple diversions.” He made a broad gesture. “We have lots of zetsu to choose from.” 

“What good will that do?” Naruto asked. “He’s got a sharingan it doesn’t matter how many fake Madaras we send out!”

“We don’t need a fake Madara we have the real one.” Shikamaru said. “We’ll make it work. Ino?”

"I can do it." She said, knowing that with HQ focused on the big picture Shikamaru needed her to connect him to everyone on their battlefield, knowing that it might kill her. 

Like they said to Sakura, though, it didn't matter. She'd do it anyway. 

Chouji grinned. “You guys are the best.” He said.

“Tell me that again when we win.” Shikamaru replied. 

"All the mackerel you can eat." Chouji promised. 

"Hey if promises of food are being made I want in." Ino said. 

"You bet." Chouji said 

Ino grinned and it was all teeth. Madara noted it and said, “You look a lot like her.”

“Like who?” Ino asked as Shikamaru began ironing out details with a bunch of undead and irked Hokage.

“Your ancestress.” Madara said. “She smiled just like that every time she made fun of me.”

Ino’s gaze fell briefly to Madara’s palm.

“Get used to it.” She said.

Madara snorted and Ino Yamanaka went to hug her not dead best friend.

Who knew, it might be the last chance she got.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are way too many characters in the final battle for me to visit everyone/give exact locations. Other, more ambitious fic writers may feel differently. They can go ahead and have grand epic battles. I will sort of budge along.


	13. kick ass go to space punch obito in the face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obito Uchiha has never been punched by an Akimichi. 
> 
> Chouji remedies that.

The V formation had been created to stop the Wall.

You wouldn’t meet a single Nara or Yamanaka who would admit to it, but everyone knew that was the truth. It was deemed to be less destructive to the Akimichi in the long run. The V formation allowed two longer-range fighters to guard a short range, creating a staggered charging line that gave ample flexibility should the battle take a sudden turn.

The Wall was just what it sounded like, an old tried-and-true battle formation, a hangover from the period of the Warring States.  
How to form a Wall: Assemble all adult Akimichi of decently sound body.

Arm.

Point.

Get the _hell_ out of the way.

No one could deny how efficient a Wall was. Long range jutsus the world over had been designed to stop a full Akimichi charge. The problem came with the inevitable casualties inherent to the tactic. Sure, you could mow down an incoming army with bo-wielding titans, but even giants could be overwhelmed.

Using the V formation as their rough draft HQ arranged each camp of ninja. All the short-range fighters were put up front. Their job was the easiest. All they had to do was kill whatever came at them.

Their compatriots’ tasks were a bit more complicated. Some would be henged into Madara; useless as the technique would inevitably prove against Obito, the time it would take for him to pick out the true Madara was precious. Others would concentrate on defending the backs of their short range points and aid the other Vs they charged with.

“If this works,” Minato said to Shikamaru, “you deserve to be Hokage.”

“Bite your tongue!” Ino said at the same moment Naruto let out a conditioned squawk of outrage at the very thought of one of his year-mates taking the job he’d spent years chasing.

“You wouldn’t make a good Hokage.” Chouji said to Shikamaru as he resupplied. “Too much paperwork.”

Shikamaru made a 'hn’ of agreement and glanced at Madara, following Hashirama like a questionably benevolent puppy.

“Hey.” Chouji said. “Stop it. Get back here.”

Shikamaru shook his head. “But-”

“I don’t need you to be a hundred steps ahead for me, Shikamaru.” Chouji said. “We don’t have time.”

“I thought you were dead.” Shikamaru whispered.

Chouji drew him off to the side and pressed their foreheads together.

“I’m not, am I?” He asked.

Shikamaru looked to Madara again. “Even after all of this- if this works, Chouji, there’s so much he’ll have to answer for.”

Chouji gently whacked Shikamaru over the back of the head. “What did I say?”

Shikamaru rubbed the spot. “You’re a brute.”

“Don’t I know it.” Chouji said. Ino approached them with rations. She took a moment to put her hands on her hips. “We’re gonna talk about this soul mark thing.” She said.

Chouji almost cracked a joke about dying to avoid it but he saw the creases at the edges of Ino’s eyes, the way she held the bags of food so tight her nails were starting to rip the paper.

“Okay.” He said. He sat with his team mates and he ate. When Madara sat down with them Ino gave him a long look before asking, “Are you hungry?”

“I don’t remember what it feels like.” Madara said.

Chouji offered him a rice ball.

“No dying on an empty stomach.” He scolded.

Madara Uchiha sighed like a put-upon husband and did as he was told.

—

When the final light of day went up across the water in a green flash, there was a single word projected into the mind of every ninja on the field.

'Go.’

Go Madara did. If he narrowed his eyes he could fuzz out the three ninja who ran in front of him. If he wasn’t thinking too hard then the morose boy’s hair lengthened, his flak jacket exchanged for deer leathers. The Yamanaka woman could easily be wearing purple, her hair in two buns instead of a long ponytail.

Chouji could be Chouga, in the dying light.

Obito had dug in and the first wave of zetsu emerged to clash with the incoming ninja. Ame nin threw needles like raindrops. Sand roared from the west and Gaara came ahead of it like the foam at the top of a tsunami. Various Madaras burned zetsu to ash. The Demonic Statue roared and rose.

It was stopped quite handily by a judicious application of Wood Release. A series of increasingly destructive explosions cleared the path. A zetsu rose up in front of Chouji only to be punched in half. Another approached and was speared and thrown by a shadow in the same moment four more zetsu turned on their fellow creatures.

There was a crackle of lightening- the Raikage, making his aggravation at the long wait known.

The flow of zetsu began to change. They were coming thicker and faster and focused.

“He’s made us.” Shikamaru grunted. “You ready?”

Chouji gave a thumbs up and ripped an arm off a zetsu.

“Perfect. Wait for it.”

\---

On another part of the battlefield, Tenten took a deep and cleansing breath. She had a part to play, and the time had come. 

"Ready?" Neji called back to her, and she nodded. On her other side Lee grinned. He didn't say anything- there wasn't time. Instead he stopped running at the same time Neji did. 

Tenten launched herself into the air, boosted with the force of Neji's trigram palms for the first fifty feet and then by a good old fashioned Konoha Whirlwind. 

"Fly, Tenten!" Lee yelled, and fell back down to earth just in time to roundhouse kick a zetsu so hard he crushed its face. 

Tenten was, indeed, flying. She felt a blast of wind under her- Temari, who had run in behind her brother with that monsterous fan of hers. 

A little higher, Tenten thought. Just a little more. 

Soon she was there, gazing down a truly frightening distance at the Demonic Statue of the Outer Path. From this high up, Obito looked small. 

Tenten didn't let herself think. She took a deep breath and set her twin dragons loose. 

Predictably, most- all- of the weapons were knocked away, either by the forceful sea breezes or by Obito himself with a swing of that nasty gunbai. 

Tenten spread her arms and let herself fall back. She could hear Gai's voice, echoing from a place and time long past, instructing a kunoichi in how to throw a kunai. 

_Sight your target._

Tenten focused. 

_Aim just above._

She adjusted her grip expertly. 

_Let it fly._

She released. 

Unnoticed by Obito, so small it hardly seemed to matter, the kunai lodged itself feet away from him in the surging flesh of the Demonic Statue. 

Not much, really. Just a three pronged kunai with a sealed handle. 

Tenten turned herself around and could barely eye the incoming ground with trepidation before she felt Gai grab her. 

"Mission successful," she said, and knew that through her teacher HQ could hear. 

Gai smiled as wide as Lee had and flashed her a thumbs up.

Lord help her, Tenten mirrored the gesture back.   
\---

Ino-Shika-Cho continued their forward motion, hindered only a little by the constant zetsu. These were not the cream of the poorly-cloned-Hashirama crop. Obito hadn't been planning on using them at all and that was heartening. 

It helped that Madara hardly needed to put any effort into the slaughter. As efficiently as he had torn through the Allied Forces so did he tear through his mindless soldiers and the three points of his V did their best to stay out of his way.

From behind them there was a surge of chakra.

“NOW!” Roared a voice and Minato Namikaze grabbed Madara Uchiha and Chouji Akimichi by the shoulders before disappearing in a distinctly yellow flash.

—

When they landed on top of the Demonic Statue of the Outer Path the Akimichi maneuvered his way in front of Madara and let everything else fall away. There was no war, there was no Statue and no desperate final stand. There weren't any undead Hokage or a conflicted soulmate. There was a single all important task which needed doing. 

A task for which Chouji Akimichi was eminently qualified. 

He reeled back his fist, ducked the incoming swing of the Uchiha gunbai. He saw the split second where Obito realized that Madara had blocked his ability, that he couldn’t phase away.

Then Akimichi Chouji delivered a textbook-perfect undercut so fierce in its driving force that Obito Uchiha was pulled from the anchors he had created in the Demonic Statue’s head and launched into the air.

Chouji didn’t take any time to think about how very good that had felt. He dropped to one knee.

Madara jumped on him, using his broad back as a launchpad. He grabbed Obito, pulled him close like an adult trying to save a child from a free fall. A half a second later Minato was with him, crouching over Obito's back. 

Chouji saw a split-second of red and black before, with Minato and Obito in tow, Madara disappeared into thin air.

A half a moment later Sasuke Uchiha landed beside Chouji, Naruto Uzumaki hot on his heels.

“Holy shit that worked!” Naruto said.

“Who cares how do you steer this thing?!” Chouji asked as the statue, separated from its master, began to consider a good old fashioned rampage.

Sasuke put his hands together.  "Hold on.“ He said, his eyes blazing with chakra.

Chouji wisely did as he was told.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gunbai or uchiwa gunbai (Army arrangement or army arrangement fan) is what that giant ass flat thing Madara and Obito carry is called. 
> 
> "But why didn't Minato just teleport onto Obito?" I hear you ask. Because it wouldn't be nearly as efficient a way, and he WAS hauling two dudes with him.


	14. for whom the bell tolls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it tolls for Sasuke.

Killing a manifestation of his own will was the closest to Nirvana Madara Uchiha had ever been.

"Oh that's _gross._ " Obito groaned as Black Zetsu twitched, swearing and growling. "I mean really, genuinely gross." 

"Gross is an understatement." Kakashi said, voice hard. 

"It's to be expected." Minato said. "So many years of hatred…" 

Madara said nothing but he didn't turn away. He watched until there was nothing left and when the last of Black Zetsu crumbled into soot he felt a thousand- no, a hundred thousand times lighter. 

Madara shouldered the gunbai and looked to Obito, by far worse for wear and leaning heavily on Kakashi. 

"Well." The masked ninja said, eyeing the smoking remnants of the Curse of Hatred, "that takes care of that." 

"No, it doesn't." Madara said. He looked down at himself. "I am alive. Obito is alive. There are-" 

"Is this really the time, Madara?" Minato asked. 

"Sensei's right. Later." Kakashi said. "Right now we have to get back. There's someone you have to talk to before Orochimaru releases the Impure World and I'd like to know whether or not my cute students have survived." 

Obito's laugh was hoarse and pained. "Cute students. You should hear yourself you sound like Sensei." 

"And what's wrong with sounding like me?" Minato asked. 

"Nothing!" Obito hastened to assure the Fourth Hokage. "It's just- funny, that's all." 

"I tell only the truth." Kakashi said piously. "They are very cute!" A pause after a sharp look from Minato. "Especially Naruto." The Fourth relaxed. Kakashi scratched the back of his head and surveyed the damaged red landscape. "Can any of us get back?" 

Madara snorted. "You're speaking to the strongest Uchiha in history." 

"I don't know." Kakashi drawled. "My little brat might be able to beat you." 

"In his dreams." Madara said. He wove the seals like he breathed and there was that telltale pinch behind the navel before they opened their eyes in the true world. 

\---

"Um." Obito said. 

Madara was in agreement with him. 'Um' seemed to be the proper response. Kakashi groaned. "Oh for fuck's sake- WHY NOW?!" his bellow was lost in the wind that was kicking up on the battlefield. It had been cleared of most combatants, flattened- likely in the defeat of the Demonic Statue, which Madara could see some half-mile off, pinned by Sage Gates and clearly unhappy about it. 

The caveat of 'most' had to be there, because there were still two people facing one another across the rocky ruin. 

"Isn't that your child?" Madara asked Minato curiously. 

"Isn't the other one yours?" Minato asked in reply. 

"Fair." Madara noted. As Kakashi continued to strangle air, Madara headed for Naruto and Sasuke. He paused on the other side of a shattered boulder and observed the opponents. They were yelling at one another and though Madara didn't bother discerning the words he recognized their tone with a sinking feeling in his stomach. 

What would it take to kill this damned _hate_? Would the world only be satisfied if it drank the last of the blood of the Uchiha? Were they- 

There was a flash of pink at his side and Madara twisted his head to see the medical ninja, the girl named Sakura. Having taken a defensive crouch she was watching the two on the battlefield with a deadly intent. 

Madara glanced from her to the two young men. Chakra was swirling around them both in violent bursts of color. Sakura's fists were reflexively clenching. Her teeth were grit so tightly the Uchiha founder thought he might be able to hear them grinding. 

Madara looked from her to the gunbai, still in his hands after being wrestled from Obito in the void. 

He silently offered it. 

Sakura looked from it to him, mouth set in a tight line. 

"I can give you one chance." He said. 

"I only need one." She replied. 

She took the gunbai and disappeared in a cloud of dust. Madara turned his attention back to the karmic play in front of him, clearing his mind. His body was beginning to scold him sternly, reminding him with aches and a growing headache that he was entirely human with very human limits. 

Madara thought of the rice ball Chouji had made him eat and smiled. 

Hashirama, Naruto. Madara, Sasuke. This was an old story that needed to be put away, stored in a dusty attic and forgotten. 

Sasuke had finished molding chakra and was forming the arms of his susano in his mind, drawing up that great armor fueled by rage and loss and a desire to stop this, stop all of it he would take the pain and the anger if he could make it all- 

The arms wouldn't form. 

Sasuke had a moment to wonder why. He had the briefest feeling of his eternally spinning eyes stopping in place. 

The gunbai that had terrorized the Warring States period came down on his head with all the force a well trained disciple of Senju Tsunade could muster. 

Sasuke Uchiha, would-be avenger of his clan, one time Most Eligible Bachelor of Konohagakagure, genius ninja and wanted criminal, dropped on his face in a crater that could easily have housed a small lake. 

Sakura Haruno shouldered the weapon, grabbed Sasuke by the back of the shirt, and dragged him to meet a slack-jawed Naruto. 

Kakashi and Obito flickered in beside Madara as ninja began flowing from the cover they'd taken. 

"Where's the Fourth?" Madara asked. 

"About to beat his son about the head, I think." Kakashi said cheerfully. "Thanks, for stopping that." 

"When he wakes he will try again." Madara said. 

"Let him." Obito replied, sounding exhausted. "At least he'll have had ample time to think." 

"More than ample." Kakashi acknowledged. "My cutest student was quite irate. Now, Obito. We have two seconds to either get you all the way to a neutral country or hide." 

"Why?" Obito asked. 

"because-" 

"ETERNAL RIVAL AND FORMER SCHOOLMATE!!" Maito Gai all but double-jumped to land in front of Kakashi and Obito, covered from head to toe in dirt and ash. His brilliant grin, however, remained white as snow. "You have been successful!" 

"Too late." Kakashi said. "Hello, dear. We saved the world, didn't we Obito?" 

"Let's be honest Kakashi I wasn't out to save the- wait Gai?!" Obito asked, eyes wide. "You're fucking MAITO GAI?!" 

Madara definitely did NOT laugh, not even a little. He snorted it was an entirely indifferent noise.

"We share an eye remember?" Kakashi demanded. "How did you not know?" 

"THERE ARE THINGS I DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO BAKASHI!!" Obito shrieked. 

"Good to know the wellbeing of our village was ranked less private than my love life." 

"KAKASHI-" 

"We need to help Hashirama with the statue." Madara said to Obito. "You're in no shape to be much good." 

"Gee thanks old man." Obito muttered. 

"He's right." Kakashi said. "Neither am I. Gai what's our status?" 

Gai's look sombered a little as he gave them a rundown. Before Naruto and Sasuke's face off a base of operations had been formed closer to the Demonic Statue. Bodies were being gathered there, and the wounded were being treated. The numbers were better than Kakashi had thought but still not good. While the zetsu had been effectively nullified and the Demonic Statue of the Outer Path halted, there would be plenty of bodies to bury when the Alliance dissolved.

"-and there is the small matter of," Gai looked shifty. It was a strange look for Gai. "Chouji." 

Madara stiffened like a board. 

"He is-" 

There was a sensation of intense pressure like climbing down a high mountain. Madara left barely a crackle of chakra behind him as he took off in the direction of the base. 

Gai blinked. 

"Is Chouji alive?" Kakashi asked. 

"When I left he was." Gai acknowledged. 

"Fucking Gai." Obito whispered, eyes wide. 

"To be fair," Gai said as he took Obito's other arm to ease Kakashi's load, "sometimes my Eternal Rival is the one who-" 

"Too much information, Gai." Kakashi said. "We just got him back and mostly sane let's keep him that way. Now let's follow Madara before he gets all wound up, you know how Uchiha are."

"KAKASHI!" 

"Am I lying?" Kakashi asked Obito, who glared at the ground. 

"No." He said sullenly. 

"Then I rest my case." 

"Yosh! If we do not make it to the medical tents in ten minutes I will-"

"Gai we just finished a war. Give it a rest. Please?" 

"Only because you asked nicely." 

" _Thank_ you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally that bash with the gunbai was going to be all Chouij, but let's face it- if anyone deserves to hit Sasuke over the head, Sakura's at least near the front of the line. The tumblr rough of this chapter has Chouji's fate as a minor cliffhanger but it didn't read right to me.


	15. i sure would like some sweet company and i'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madara finds Chouji, and this fic concludes.

Akimichi funerals were just as raucous as Akimichi weddings. 

True, the ruckus was a different flavor. Weddings were all about sharing- food, love, the sheer unmitigated joy of a bright future. Regardless of who was getting hitched and what their position in the clan was the party that happened after the ceremony always went on for a day or three. When Chouga's oldest son wed the shindig went on for an entire week and the hangovers a week longer than that. 

Funerals, though. 

They were about saying goodbye. 

Like the weddings their first half was just as traditional. The body was cremated and interred, half the ashes to the public cemetery and the other half to the private one on the Clan's lands. Assuming there had been enough of a body to burn, of course. It was never a guarantee. 

Once the deed was done the party started, always in or around the place widely agreed upon to be considered 'home' by the deceased- often the Akimichi Compound but just as often in the street before an apartment or the singles barracks or a particularly favored restaurant or bar. 

Those parties were loud and proud. It was hard to tell the difference between a wedding and a funeral at the afterparty- everything seemed similar. 

Madara knew the difference. There was a taste in the air at at those sending offs, a special sort of bleak despair that could only be fought with boisterous laughter. It was impossible not to feel the thick and cloying tightness at the back of the throat as memories were exchanged and the favored foods of the dead eaten. 

Unlike Akimichi weddings, Akimichi funerals did not last for days. One night was all. When dawn broke the next morning, everything was cleaned up and life went on. Another name was added to the family memorial, another notation made in the Clan records. 

Madara had silently gorged himself on strawberry anmitsu at Chouga's celebration. 

Moving through the base camp of the Shinobi Alliance like less than a streak of nothing he refused to think about what he might eat at Chouji's. 

As he moved he cataloged things- the damnable habit of an equally damnable genius. He acknowledged on some level that this camp was set up precisely as Mito Uzumaki-Senju would have wanted and saw the not so subtle hand of Hashirama's granddaughter in its efficiency. He maneuvered around ninja organizing, milling, sorting found weapons and helping others discover the locations of comrades living, injured or dead. 

When he felt that spark of chakra he let the relief wash over him for just a second. Then he homed in on it with frightening intensity. 

"-and you could have waited!!" 

"Ino there wasn't time and you know it! If I hadn't acted then Neji would have died!" 

"YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SUPERSIZE YOU MORON!" 

"Stop arguing with the injured man I- Madara!" 

Madara acknowledged the Yamanaka girl- Ino?- freeze up but otherwise show no reaction to his sudden appearance. Truly the determination of Inoko lived on in her. "You were successful?" She asked him.

"The threat is passed." Madara acknowledged. He raked his eyes over Chouji. The big ninja was bare from the waist up, heavily bandaged and probably mildly sedated. He was laying on a pallet in a small private-ish tent, one in a long row of similar tents for ninja whose injuries were bad enough that they shouldn't move but not so bad that they needed emergency care. Ino was sitting beside him. "What happened?" 

Chouji smiled sheepishly. "Nothing interesting?" 

"Oh no you don't," Ino said threateningly. She looked at Madara. "This moron decided to go full-strength baika and sumo-wrestle the goddamn Demon statue!" 

"It worked didn't it?!" Chouji protested. 

"You were IMPALED," Ino snapped at him. "FIVE TIMES!" 

A quick look confirmed that beneath the wrappings Madara could see four distinctly thicker pads of bandaging; the fifth was likely somewhere on a leg. Full frontal injuries from a full frontal assault. Damnable Akimichi. 

"Not deeply." Chouji protested, though the bandages said otherwise. 

"Chouji if that spike had been two inches closer to the left-" Ino poked the offending square gently. 

"It wasn't and I'm fine." Chouji cut her off. She looked startled at that, then squinted suspiciously at him. "Besides," Chouji continued, "it let the First trap the Statue." 

"What about your armor?" Madara asked. 

"Spikes cut through it like superheated steel," Ino told him. "All that jinchuriki chakra." 

"I liked that armor," Chouji said gloomily. 

"It didn't fit you properly anyway." Ino said. "Madara-san-" 

Madara sat down beside Chouji. "Tell anyone who cares they can find me here." He said. 

"What no!" Chouji protested. "You need rest I can feel it."

"Someone," Madara said pointedly, "needs to stay here and make sure you don't try and stand up to go help move rubble. No doubt why your team mate is here instead of out there. Your Nara probably insisted." 

Chouji's mouth snapped shut and Ino cackled at him. "Oh he's got your number." She teased her team mate. The sparkle in her eyes told Madara that he had been one hundred percent correct about her reasoning for being in the tent. 

"Members of this particular Clan have been a pain in my ass for years." Madara deadpanned. "It is high time I got my revenge." 

"Oh bite me!" Chouji snapped. 

"Not until the sixth date." Madara said. "After you tell me what the swirls are on the fifth, of course." 

Chouji coughed and turned red. Ino looked from him to Madara.

Madara rose an eyebrow at her. 

She giggled. "You look like Sasuke when you do that. Or Sasuke looks like you." She stood up. "There are others who need help. I'll tell the Kages you'll be here." She dusted herself and gave Chouji a stern look. "No moving." 

"Yes mother." Chouji muttered. 

"Your mother would sit on you, damn the five major wounds on your person." Ino replied sweetly. She turned her attention to Madara and sighed. 

"However this turns out," she said, "I could never beat you in a straight fight. So accept this with that knowledge. He's one of the most precious people in my life. Hurt him, and I will find a way to hurt you." 

"Ino!" Chouji protested. 

Madara smiled. Inoko's progeny, indeed. "I understand." He said. 

"Good. Because you scare the shit out of me." Ino said. "Chouji don't die before your dad can get here and chew you out." She left the tent. 

There was a moment of calm and Madara used it to stare at the far fabric wall. His mind was a miasma of thoughts and plans and actions all jumbling together. There was still the Statue. There was still Hashirama. There was still years untold of damage done to Hidden Villages who would want compensation- or just his head. There was Sasuke and Obito and the remnants of all the Uchiha had been and could be. There were-

Madara felt a hand in his, calloused and large.

"Stop it." Chouji murmured. "Come back." 

Madara blinked and reflexively squeezed the hand in his own. 

"There will be time later." Chouji said. "The war's over, remember?" 

He was right, wasn't he? 

The war was over. 

What came after, well. 

That was anyone's guess. 

Madara Uchiha tangled his fingers in Chouji's and brought the other ninja's hand up to his. 

"You're right," he said, and kissed the back of the Akimichi's hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -CONFETTI-
> 
> WE'RE DONE HERE PEOPLE! 
> 
> Imma be perfectly honest with you here it's been literal _years_ since I started and finished a multichapter. Thank you so much to everyone who ever commented or contacted me on tumblr, you're probably the only reason this even got finished. 
> 
> For those of you going "What the FUCK what's with all the stray plot threads?!" please be aware that I intend to both write a sequel to My Fair Madara and also put together a series of short fics (can we still call those omakes I'm calling them omakes) that answer questions such as 'wtf are they gonna do about the demonic statue', 'do Hashirama and Madara get any kind of closure', and 'what about those saskey and narutu dudes anyway'. 
> 
> That being said, be aware that the road to hell is paved with good intentions and I make no promises. If you have specific questions or prompts they could be very helpful so please leave them in the comments here or find me on tumblr as greenekangaroo. 
> 
> Roo OUT.


End file.
